Sunday, 6 February 2011

First World Populace Going to Fat

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Three out of ten of the Western world's adults are lard-arsed Porkmeisters, according to a report just released following a UK study commissioned by the Libservative Coalition’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money.

The asinine survey, undertaken at great public expense by London’s Imperial College researchers, studied body mass index (BMI), cholesterol levels and high blood pressure data of customers frequenting such junk food establishments as Dorky Don’s Donuts, Kentucky Fried Cormorant, McD’s Supersize Me, Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Domino Effect Pizza and a legion of other equally-disreputable chew n spew outlets.

The gospel according to research data indicates that men in the UK have the sixth highest BMI globally while UK women have the ninth highest BMI – which in simple, uncomplicated English translates that although both sexes are not yet quite as fat as their couch spud slob American cousins - or the lager-guzzling, bratwurst-stuffing Krauts – they’re a long way from being of the same healthy and athletic physique of an Albanian pikey refugee living on a landfill site near the French coast at Calais who manages to sustain life on a couple of bunches of sautéed nettles per day.

Pacific Island nations had the highest average BMI in the word at 34-35kg/m2 – which the survey attributes to a diet of breadfruit, bananas, more breadfruit, and walking around three parts pissed all day long from quaffing litres of the potent ‘okolehao’ liquor brewed from the ‘Ti rhizomes’ of the Cordyline Fruticosa palm.

This reading was up to 70% higher than some countries in south-east Asia and sub-Saharan Africa - with18-year old Ms Skinny Lizzie O’Dinga of the Hungry Nomad Hamlets housing estate in Darfur, Sudan actually registering a reading of 0.00kg/m2 BMI on the UNESCO scale.

Likewise, Mrs Winnebago Jaffacake, a 13-year old Ethiopian mother-of-three whose family took part in the study, told one reporter from Slimmers World magazine “De UNICEF doctor give me dese pamphlets about cuttin’ down on de bad cholesterol intake – so we have de pamphlets for lunch. It was just like Eid ul-Fitr feast at de end of Ramadan.”

However the British Heart Foundation’s associate medical director who was assigned to the study, Dr Irwin Fuctifino, targeted certain government figures and entertainment celebrities for setting the public bad examples by their own trough-guzzling lifestyles and grossly overweight conditions, and commented that the increasing obesity rates were "striking."

“Just take this Tory MP for Bentcrud, the coalition government’s Communities & Local Government Secretary, Eric 'Abalone-features' Prickles. This man is an absolute disgrace – all fat between the ears, same as Lord John Prescott, and looks like that porky Chinese kitchen god – Fu Lu Slug.”
“It’s no bloody wonder he’s been labelled as Britain’s ‘Fattest Twat’ and awarded the ‘Cholesterol Champions’ prize for his record number of double chins. The bloke’s no role model and only a couple of steps away from a fatal coronary or a stroke – or both.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: Do you think Eric Prickles is the House of Conman’s new Mr Creosote now Prezzer’s been elevated to the House of Lards? Did Fat Eric really eat all the pies? Is it disrespectful to call a cabinet minister a 'gastropod'?

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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