Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Government to Create Schoolkids Stasi

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Libservative government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money has come up with yet another stupid idea in a long line of stupid ideas. Speeding motorists will soon be facing the latest and greatest in untrained Plod Squad masqueraders as even primary school pupils now prepare to sign up for their own handheld speed cameras, tyre-spiking ‘Stinger’ mats, wheel clamps and Taser electro-stun guns.

The idiotic Community Road Watch scheme, designed to slam down on delinquent parking and lunatic drivers in speeding hot-spots around the UK, will also target every other hapless sod doing over 30 mph, and is being rolled out by the Dumberside police authority next month - with residents ranging from children to pensioners targeted for recruitment to take part in clocking offenders around their respective neighbourhoods.

One of the first roads to enter into the community camera initiative will be grim Grimsby's Asbo Central Bypass, which is home to three primary schools and a window-licking centre, several pubs, a drug rehab’ clinic, nine betting shops, four Rub n Tug massage parlours and a bordello - and has been compared to Top Gear’s airfield race track circuit by residents following the number of fender benders and head-on collisions in recent years, caused by Stig-wannabes.

Problems with speeding and parking were addressed during a packed Slumborough Hamlets Housing Estate neighbourhood meeting in the Rat and Pikey Arms pub in November, where members of the community jumped at the chance of signing up to join the Community Road Watch scheme when informed they could impose their own level of fines on offenders – and further confiscate vehicles.

The information collected by acrimonious, gossiping stoolie residents, who will be working alongside teams of PSCO and Community Enforcement morons on hire from Renta-Thug, will then be logged on the Big Brother 666 national computer database at GCHQ, Cheltenham.

6-year old Ryan McSnitch of Grassers Terraces, and a pupil at St Twats Primary School for Latter Day Stoolies, has been awarded the rank of Oberstfuhrer of the town’s Junior Stasi Brigade and informed one reporter from the Rat Fink Gazette that he’ll be out after classes with his band of merry squealers every afternoon, on the look-out for speedsters on the town’s Asbo Central Bypass – radar guns, speed cam’s and Tasers at the ready.

Oh well, if the ranks of the UK’s police forces are being decimated by this insane Libservative coalition pantomime then perhaps volunteer juveniles are the only answer to keeping a check on law and order.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: Fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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