Friday, 11 February 2011

Alternative ‘Third World’ Honeymoons

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In the social revolution following the Second World War and through the 1950’s, a typical British honeymoon manifested as a wet week in a poxy caravan on the North Sea coast or a chalet at Butlins, rubbing the hair off each other’s pubic mounds until a friction rash appeared. The late 1960’s and onwards saw this evolve to encompass dirt-cheap air flight excursions to destinations foreign, brimming over with the chance of adventure – such as Spain's notorious ‘Torremolenos’ or the Costa del Spic – where the newly-weds could guzzle cheapo plonko and fuck up their livers for a couple of weeks while sat out in the sun working on developing a dose of UV-melanoma that would mutilate and kill them well before their 25th Golden Anniversary.

And then, with the 1990’s advent of ‘crazy credit’, the worship of Mammon and that global passport to social acceptance - the ‘plastic fantastic’ - the Balearics were suddenly so passé, so vieux jeu; heralding in the genesis of the modern honeymoon; synonymous with exotic and hedonistic indulgences, running up credit card debts for a couple of weeks pleasure comparable to three years of student loans for a BSc degree banking sector course in ‘Daylight Robbery’ or 'Advanced Usury'.
But what Bacchanalian and pampered delights there were on tap: rose water enemas, cocktails on the beach 24/7, hot and cold Thai ladyboy chambermaids in every room - and dining alike Lucullus, with intimate candlelit dinners for two.

However, some 'civil partner' couples with more than a fleeting grip on their dodgy finances – or even what now passes for a sense of moral conscience – having lived together ‘over the brush’ for years before they get married and for whom a honeymoon is less of the romantic and sexual epiphany it once was, are saying ”Fuck the Maldives” - and underwater weddings – and seeking out a total 180 degree option to the ‘extreme sports’ matrimonial thrill of getting murdered on your wedding night in some remote Third World tropical island shithole with a flush toilet and curtains.

Instead they’re declaring, in classical Monty Python fashion: “And Now For Something Completely Different! – The Bride’s Delight” – an alternative Third World honeymoon – with shit-for-brains couples signing up with the United Nation’s ‘Unpaid Volunteers’ charity to go and dig a 200 foot deep water well in Darfur – or help picking up the zillions of 7.62 mm brass shell casings around Eritrea for UNICEF’s ‘Recycling Fund’ – or vacuuming a few hectares of depleted uranium-contaminated deserts in Iraq – or clearing anti-personnel mines in such fabulous verdant, tropical locations as Angola and Laos - or doing God’s good works and emptying mass graves across Cambodia’s ‘Killing Fields’.

And the name of this latest craze? - ‘Honeyteering’ – a typically US-innovated scam by the ‘Numpty Projects Abroad’ charity, in which newly-wedded couples volunteer for a worthy cause in the developing world, rather than the indulgent and effete luxury of two weeks on a tropical shell sand beach, diving in azure blue lagoons, exploring the magnificence of the pelagic flora and fauna comprising the coral gardens.

Irwin Fuctifino, founder of the ethical tour operator ‘No Hands Holidays’, told one reporter from the ‘Moronic Masochists Gazette’: “This can be the sea change opportunity of a lifetime for some folks that will leave them with memories to die for – stung by scorpions, bitten by snakes, spit at by Bolshie camels, catching recurrent malaria, dengue, ringworm, amoebic dysentery – and for those more unfortunate amongst our flocks who God deems fit to no longer smile upon – elephantiasis.”

“Just you take a look at Jack and Fellattia McScrunt from Smegmadale-on-Sea. They spend their entire three-week honeymoon running the tourist Lost n Found kiosk at a leper colony in French Guiana and enjoyed it so much they stayed and never came home – well, not after the first time when they were refused entry by Heathrow Airport’s public health authorities.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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