Saturday, 5 February 2011

Malawi Legislative First: Farting Banned

For this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In Malawi, not exactly a location renowned as the African bastion for philosophical enlightenment and positive socio-political change, two of the country’s most moronic government officials have entered into the arena of dystopian Kafkaesque politics and hypothetical corpus juris - and become engaged in an argument over whether amendment of a Parliamentary bill includes a provision that outlaws breaking wind in public.

Mr Winnebago Chuckabutty, the incumbent Minister for Wasting Time & Money, maintains the new bill will - and should -criminalise flatulence to promote public decency. "Ya should go to de toilet when ya feel like fartin’ – just in case ya has a follow-through an’ shits ya pants," he opined to one reporter from the Coconut Jugglers Gazette.

The Local Courts Bill, to be introduced next week states: "Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place so as to make it noxious to the public or to the health of persons in general dwelling or carrying on business in the neighbourhood or passing along a public way shall be guilty of a misdemeanour."

Now, Mr Chuckabutty, who considers himself a qualified legislator and jurist by right of the fact he owns DVD boxed set collections of ‘Perry Mason’ and ‘Eye for an Eye’ and has read all the John Grisham novels - insists that the bill’s statutes also encompass ‘farting with malice aforethought’.

However, Chuckabutty was directly contradicted by the legislature’s Solicitor General, the Very Reverend Yodcocca Tadpole, who claims the reference in the new bill to "fouling the air" means pollution from waste material bonfires and vehicle exhausts - and most definitely not the odd ‘botty burp’.
"How any fucker or their dog can construe the bill’s provisions to criminalising farting in public is beyond me," - adding that the prohibition contained in the new law has been in place since 1929.

Under orders from Minister Chuckabutty, the national capital of Lilongwe’s police force have now been tasked with the formation of a ‘Fart Squad’ - which will be kitted out with the latest gas detection devices and a pack of hapless ‘sniffer dogs’.

Over the past several years, under the enlightened leadership of President Bingo Muthafucka and his Ministry for Graft & Corruption, the Malawi Parliament has enacted legislation to outlaw various anti-social practices common to the baser constituents that comprise the elements of human nature – primarily decreeing a carbon copy of fascist Singapore’s law criminalising people who take a piss in elevators – even though the nearest functioning one is located in neighbouring Zambia.

This statute was followed by a range of similar laws - including goat buggery in a public place; urinating through a neighbour’s letter box, crapping in waste paper bins – and cannibalism.

During 2010, the former Minister for Daft Ideas under the usurped Hastings Bandylegs government, Mr Cletus Jaffacake, unsuccessfully challenged President Muthafucka’s draconic new laws – specifically one ordering the arrest and prosecution of anyone displaying the country's old national flag – with the new flag featuring a full sun instead of the old flag's rising sun - to reflect Malawi's change from a Third World shithole to a developing IMF-dependent basket case economy.

Misinformation Minister, Minjeeter Rugmuncher, informed reporters there were no excuses for flying the old flag and ordered the arrest of hundreds of soccer supporters who flocked to see their country play an African Nations Cup football qualifier wrapped in old flags – which further resulted in the entire team being detained and incarcerated too as their shirts sported the old flag emblem.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and/or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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