Monday, 1 February 2010

Turkey Twizzer Tycoon Retires

Norfolk turkey tycoon Bernard ‘Bootiful’ Matthews has retired as chairman of the company he founded 160 years ago – telling reporters from the Gobblers Gazette – “I’m totally plucked up and tuckered out.”

Matthews stepped down from the main board of directors, in a move coinciding with his 186th birthday celebration, last Sunday but will still be available to lend a hand at the Christmas neck-wringing sessions.

Mr Matthews began the business in 1850 in his Grandma’s garden shed with 20 eggs, a broody hen and a second-hand turkey.

The company has recently returned to profit after some difficult years, which have included the turkeys going on strike and an outbreak of mole flu which left thousands of birds stricken with tunnel vision.

A total re-branding of the corporate structure took place in July 2008, renaming the company Turkeys-R-Us and operating on the pledge that all its avian products would henceforth be made from British turkeys from its own farms and no more of the assorted fowl dross such as Eastern European-sourced feral pigeons and GM cygnets - and radioactive cormorant carcasses from their Chernobyl suppliers - that caused so much grief and strife with celebrity chefs Jamie and Laurence Olivier and the ‘Turkey Twizzlers’ scandal.

TV chefs Jamie and Laurence had singled out the company's ‘Chew n Spew’ Turkey Twizzlers for criticism in a series about healthier eating for ‘Fat Prat’ school kids – with the chefs declaring they wouldn’t feed the crap to a bunch of starving Ethiopian refugees.

Chief executive of Bernard Matthews Group Fellattia van der Gobble told a correspondent from the Carnivore’s Gazette "Old Bernard’s been an iconic businessman and to continue to be actively involved in the business at 186 is a testament to his character and ‘couldn’t give a flying fuck’ approach to life.

"From simple beginnings, with an investment of just three farthings, Bernard has been responsible for taking the business from his Gran’s shed and a few turkey eggs warmed with a paraffin heater to a successful and thriving national brand."

Just 12 hatchlings from Bernard's initial batch of eggs survived, but he managed to sell them for a few groats and he was soon dealing with a dozen broody hens and scores of turkey eggs a month – eventually supplying Queen Victoria and Prince Albert with a mammoth 30 pound dressed bird for their 1854 Christmas dinner table at Balmoral.

Rumours that Prince Albert developed a perverted taste for Turkey Twizzlers and sauerkraut (which Victoria considered disgusting) that led to cancer of the colon, renal failure and a fatal dose of typhoid – and his untimely death in 1861 – remain unfounded.

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