Tuesday, 2 February 2010

Cellphone Radiation Cures Alzheimer’s – in MICE?

Following the hue and cry concerning the possible damage to health by hard-boiling your brain due using mobile phones, scientists have now come up with a wholly contrary – yet novel argument – that potential benefits might be derived from cellphone radiation.
Their work suggests mobile phones could possibly protect against Alzheimer's Disease.

The researchers conclude that electro-magnetic field exposure could be an effective, non-invasive and drug-free way to prevent and treat Alzheimer's disease in humans.
They are currently testing whether different sets of frequencies and strengths might produce a more rapid and greater cognitive benefit – or simply cause people to wander round and round in ever decreasing circles until they disappear up their own arses.

Dr. Sum Dum Fuk, the Beijing-based author of the study – funded by China’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money - told a reporter from the Amnesia Gazette "Since production and aggregation of beta-amyloid occurs particularly in oldies, the therapeutic impact of our findings may extend beyond Alzheimer's Disease."

The authors state previous studies have linked a possible increased risk of Alzheimer's with "low-frequency" electro-magnetic exposure - like the energy waves generated by power and telephone lines.

They claim mobile phones emit "high frequency" electro-magnetic waves that are very different because they can have beneficial effects on brain function - such as increasing brain cell activity – and most definitely on cellphone company profits.

However, here’s the clincher – the research has, to date, only been carried out on mice.
Yep, that’s right – you heard it correctly the first time. Mice – with a large Capital M. Those little furry rodent fuckers.

Dr. Chlamydia Muffrot, chief executive of the Alzheimer's Research Trust, told Pox News "This research has been carried out in mice that mimic some of the symptoms of Alzheimer's in people, so we don't know if any similar effects will be seen in humans.”

“What symptoms does it mimic? Forgetting who the bloke in the mirror is? Tripping over their Zimmer frames? Falling out of wheelchairs? Getting lost going to the toilet?

Mice? Fer fuck’s sake. Mice? Have u ever seen a mouse calling his mates – or the cat – on a cellphone? “Hey guys, they’ve got this great new cheese here – but watch out cos that ginger mingin' twat Tiddles is on the prowl!” WTF next - paws-free mouse friendly Bluetooth units?

Apparently this diligent research survey involved the reluctant cooperation of ninety-six mice, which had been genetically modified by feeding them Monsanto’s Super-Mutant Corn and aspartame-laced soft drinks to develop beta-amyloid plaques in their brains (which are a marker of Alzheimer's disease) as they aged.

All the mice were exposed to the electro-magnetic field generated by a standard phone for a couple of one-hour periods each day for seven to nine months – or until they couldn’t tell their own arse from their elbow.

They were then exposed to several hours of cellphone use per day – alike typical human teenagers – which over a period of six months saw them fully recovered and completing complex maze tests that would baffle many adolescent Homo Sapiens.

Dr. Muffrot concluded “While end results are promising, conversely the memory benefits of cellphone exposure in mice took months to show up, suggesting that a similar effect in humans would take years.”

So, how high does that scientific titbit rate on the bullshit meter?

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