Wednesday, 10 February 2010

Expense-Fiddling MPs Above the Law

Not only do they conjure up the legislative statutes that govern we lesser mortals - the common sheeple - but now claim themselves to be above these same said decrees governing social behaviour – especially where fraud and embezzlement are reworded to read ‘Fiddling one’s expenses – a Parliamentary privelege’.

New Labour MPs Elliot Moregraft, David Cheator and Jim Diddler each face up to seven years in jail after Ghengis McTwatte, QC, the Director of Public Prosecutions, informed a reporter from the Daily Shitraker that he was charging them under the statutes of the Common Theft Act 1968.

Lord Bilkerfield, the Tory frontbencher and leader of Scallyborough County Council, faces six charges over his fraudulent expense claims.

It is understood that Sir Gaylord Scumson QC - representing the dodgy trio of Moregraft, Cheator and Diddler - claims their dodgy expenses are covered by Parliamentary privilege, which traditionally protects them from being sued for what they say in the Commons – and is now apparently being manipulated like silly putty to cover a whole multitude of criminal activities – up to and including buggery, arson, treason, multiple homicide – and embezzlement.

Conversely, Home Secretary Alan Johnson told Fux News “The little people out there – the tax-paying public - want to see MPs treated like everyone else – and in this case get their sticky grasping fingers broken.”
"They are entitled to a fair trial in the Court of Public Opinion and that’s the best we can offer for breaking the 11th Commandment because the common herd would be aghast if they thought there was some special Get out of Jail Free card for Parliamentarians."

The four light-fingered pilfering politicians are the first in a scheduled batch to face charges of false accounting under section 17 of the Common Theft Act 1968 – and if found guilty they face a maximum sentence of seven years' imprisonment.

In a joint statement, the three shameless Labour MPs, who have been barred from standing as Parliamentary candidates in the coming general election, told a reporter from the Brass Neck Gazette "We totally refute any charges that we have committed an offence by wangling our expense claims to get a few bob extra.”
“This is a long-established and accepted practice dating back to the Anglo-Saxon Witenagemot where unsalaried representatives were allowed to fiddle their turnip and cabbage allowances.”

Announcing the decision to press charges on Friday, the Director of Public Prosecutions Ghengis McTwatte, QC addressed the issue of Parliamentary privilege. "Lawyers representing those who have been charged have raised the unacceptable spectre of Parliamentary privilege.”

"We have considered that question and concluded that the applicability and extent of any Parliamentary privilege claimed should be tested in court – and before a jury selected from the common masses."

Shadow foreign secretary William Hague told the Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr Show: "They should face prosecution - in the courts."
"The Bill of Rights was intended to secure freedom of speech for members of Parliament to speak freely rather than be at threat from our tyrannical monarchs – not provide a licence to fill their pockets from the public purse – with the Third Estate’s coin – or turnips.”

The DPP maintains there is damning evidence provided by the House of Conman’s official whistleblower – Sir Irwin Bogbrush - that the MPs broke the laws of concealment, falsification and destruction of accounting records for financial gain.

Moregraft, MP for Scumthorpe, was charged with claiming £14,428 in excess of what he was entitled on mortgage costs for a property at Upper Villainy in Smegmadale. He then claimed a further £16,000 after the mortgage had been paid off.

Cheator, MP for Rapscallions East, was accused of using faked invoices to claim for £1,950 of IT services. He also claimed £12,925 for renting a property at Rippoff Square in Central London, which he already owned, as well as claiming rent on an offshore ‘second home’ Channel Islands property registered in the name of his cat Tiddles.

Diddler, the MP for Muggerton-on-the-Wold, faces charges for using fake invoices to claim £13,240 for laundry bills and £15,505 for stationery, Lotto tickets and suppositories.

Lord Bilkerfield’s felonious charges include making “numerous claims for overnight stays in London at the Dorchester when records show that he was driven home in a hired limousine following his nightly visits to the Soho-based ‘Rub n Tug Happy Ending Massage Salon’.

A fifth individual, the Labour peer Baroness Udders of the Dacoits, is under investigation for her nefarious expense claims for Indian take-away banquets and bikini line Brazilian waxings.

Numero Sixto on the Director of Public Prosecutions hit list is the now-infamous Duck Island Don - Sir Peter Sniggers - the grandee Tory MP for Upper Sleazeport who claimed £1,645 for a floating pavilion for pet mallards Tich and Quackers on the garden lake of his Crapshire mansion.

In his own defence Sniggers told Pox News “For Christ’s sake do not believe the myth it’s all about power and control – or a sense of pro-bono service.”
“I mean, what the f*ck did we ever get into politics for if not to make an extra few quid on the side – a spot of influence-peddling here and there, a few window-dressing directorships and the padded expense accounts.”

“Good grief, an MP’s meagre salary would hardly pay my Dominatrix’s monthly service fees for enemas and spanking sessions - let alone feed the ducks.”

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