UK Intelligence Accessory to Torture

The White House has spit the dummy in a fit of pique as it failed to get its own selfish way – as it usually does when ordering the British government around - and expressed "deep disappointment" concerning a UK Appeal Court ruling to reveal information on the torture of a British resident by their paid agents.

The UK Foreign Secretary David Millipede lost his final Appeal Court bid yesterday to prevent the details being published in the gutter press and thus revealing to the world at large that the phoney war on terror is devoid of social niceties and being executed by brutal sociopathic US sadists who ignore the statutes of the Geneva Convention and the Nuremberg Code at will when committing serial war crimes.

However, the IQ-deficient Millipede was not acting alone but prompted in his actions by Downing Street, Foreign Office mandarins and the leadership of MI5 and MI6 - plus the US intelligence services – all desperate to keep their dirty secrets sub rosa and out of the public eye.

One UK resident – the 96-year old Binman Mohammed - has stated for the record – and on oath - that British intelligence and government ministers knew he was tortured at the behest of US authorities after being kidnapped and stuck on an extraordinary rendition flight to Hell while vacationing in Pakistan in 2002 – solely due the fact he was a Muslim and had a beard.

Mr Mohammed was forced to suffer the obscene ‘haram’ indignity of having to share a cell with two pigs – then memorise and recite by rote – whole passages from the Bible in order to get fed – with meals consisting of bacon sandwiches, sweet and sour pork, and pickled trotters.

The Appeal Court ruling led to the publication of a summary of the torture of Mr Mohammed. The information had been given to MI5 by the CIA - and proved that British intelligence and Labour government officials were aware of Mr. Mohammed's less than 5-star hospitality treatment by his American hosts.

The court announced that the connivance and participation of British agents in the Americans' violent practices contravened the UN Convention on Torture which the UK signed in 1984. This expressly bans sensory deprivation, hooding and other stress techniques such as scrotum-stamping, the use of electric cattle prods, pressure wash enemas, poking suspects in the eye with sharp sticks and drilling holes in kneecaps.

Mohammed told the Appeal Court judges he finally got fed up with being water-boarded six times a day and then buggered by Slackwater / XE mercenary faggots – so thus complied with his torturers demands to make a video confession that he came to Pakistan to meet with Big Al Qaeda and Taliban Dan – and study the deadly art of shoe throwing .

Millipede – a career US and Israeli apologist - had repeatedly tried to stop the publication on the grounds that it could damage intelligence-sharing with the Americans as it would reveal what a bunch of vicious thugs they really are – who consciously and with malice aforethought - operate outside the established rules of war where their vile extraordinary rendition crimes are concerned.

Such includes torturing any fucker that looks slightly ‘Muslim’ – or Brazilian - to extract confessions that they hate our Democratic freedoms and were personally planning to cause the downfall of Western civilisation – by assassinating US President Dubya Bush with a well-aimed flip flop bomb.

US Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, is reported to have phoned FS Millipede on the White House hot line once she received the bad news and called him a useless twat who couldn’t be trusted to coerce – or buy off – or snuff - a trio of doddering old Appeals Court judges.

General Billy Bob Wogstamper, President Barky O’Barmy’s defence spokesman, was even more condemning and told one reporter from the Warmongers Gazette "The Boss is real pissed off with the Brits for lettin’ the cat outa the bag and publicisin’ the fact we’re no better than Hitler and his Nazi Gestapo. From now on we ain’t tellin’ them shit.”

“For Christ’s sake, now every scumbag Muslim terrorist and their dog are gonna be screamin’ out “Foul!” and filing personal injury claims jest cos they copped for a Guantanamo manicure. People jest gotta realise this is war and the innocent have gotta suffer along with the guilty.”