Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Aussies Break off Trade with Iran

The Australian government has embargoed three export shipments of goods to Iran due propaganda-fuelled paranoid fears - circulated by Canberra's Ministry of Public Scaremongering – that the shipment contents may well be re-engineered into components for Tehran's super-nuke – with which they intend to destroy the known Universe - according to Prime Minister Kevin Crudd.

Crudd, a founding member of the Queensland Halitosis Society who is known affectionately to political allies and opponents alike as “The Poison Dwarf’, told a reporter from the Canard Gazette that he personally had blocked a huge cargo of disposable plastic cups for vending machines to Iran that Mossad had decided could be used by Muslim nuclear engineers to drink coffee – or tea – thus aiding their covert atomic bomb programme.

Critics have been quick to point out that Australia’s international trade deficit currently resembles the huge septic haemorrhoid that constitutes a baboon’s arse – and since being recently voted in the prestigious international tourist guide “Which Dump?” as the Boredom Capital of Asia, the place needs all the trade and foreign exchange it can get.

Mr Rudd told Radio Wallamaroo that Defence Minister Wally Pratt had used powers under the Weapons of Mass Distraction Act to block two other shipments – which may – or may not – have been directly linked to Iran’s uranium enrichment programme – even though the cargo containers had been pre-inspected by Australian customs and the relevant shipping manifests endorsed as platypus eggs; flip flops; clockwork dingoes – and down-filled #16 tog cuddly koala bears.

PM Crudd defended his government's actions, informing reporters from the Aussie gutter press that continuing strong international pressure on Tehran was essential.
"If you look at the threat to regional and global peace which Iran poses with its current non-existent nuclear weapons programme and having the capability to launch long range missiles filled with something nasty within 45 minutes that could target the RSL Club here in Wallamaroo - there is no alternative other than to treat them as pariahs.”

“Hey, and never forget what Bushie and Tony Bliar told us all – these blokes hate our Democratic freedoms and want to make our Shelia’s wear burkas.”
“I mean, have these people never heard of the New World Order and the shape of things to come - or are they just acting dumb?”

“So, when I get a call from Baron Rothshite in London at 2:00 am this morning, telling me his mate Rabbi Levi Rosenscum is on his way round to have a few words in my ear, then I pay attention and listen – as I don’t want to end up like old Harold Holt did – snatched by a Chinese shark while having a quick dip at Portsea Sands.”

“Of course we’re not picking on Iran but as our main export is cans of Fosters Bitch Thumper lager - and these Muslim blokes don’t drink, then we’re not gonna do a lot of high-end trade with them, are we, eh?”

“They sent some trade minister bloke called Fizzy al Kaseltzer - or something like that - down here waffling on about one fucking thing and another – and how important trade with Australia was for Tehran. But I can’t for the fuck of me remember his real name now - I mean they don’t have any simple names like us do they?”

“Every fucker in my home town’s called Kev’ – like me – or Norm' or Bluey or Trev’ or Bruce – even some of the Sheila’s – if they’re not called Sheila or Gwen already.”

“Anyway we sent him a ‘Very Sorrygramme’ and explained the position that Baron Rothshite and the Trilateral Commission had put their foot down with a firm hand as they believe anything we sold Tehran would be used to make nuclear Crotch Bombs – so they cancelled the escrows than faxed us back saying “a plague on the tents of your fathers.”

Thus, with Zionist Israeli and US / UK pressures, Aussie trade with Iran – or any other members of the Axis of Evil – looks like a ‘vendre un canard √† moiti√©’ (a half-sold duck) – as the foul and foreign French would say.

Such is the price for our Antipodean cousins for surrendering self-determination regarding their foreign policy to the Illuminati cabal.
The criteria for Australia now lies in recognising the glaring fact that when the only diplomatic tool you have is a hammer then every problem starts looking like a nail – and Mr. Crudd’s proverbial coffin is getting to be more nails than wood.

So, with regard to Iran, the Australian government stands juxtaposed with the hawkish warmongers of the US and the EUSSR – and run like a circus without a tent.
When career twats like Kevin Crudd start harping on and pontificating about Patriotism and Democracy and the overall public good – that’s the time to start counting the spoons.

A generation on, Australian historians, economists and political scholars will look back and scratch their heads, and ask themselves earnestly “Who the phuck was running this pantomime in 2010 – Wiley T. Coyote?”

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