MP’s First Class Travel Kiboshed

Sir Nicholas Winterton, the Conservative MP for Macclesfield’s Upper Snobford constituency, has angrily denounced plans to reduce first-class travel by MPs - telling one reporter from the Vulgarians Gazette he requires quiet and privacy to work when shuttling around the world by air - or on the UK’s dodgy RattleTrack train service.

The 96-year old veteran Tory MP proclaimed there were a "totally different type of people" who used standard-class train carriages and flew ‘Economy’ – whom he and his MP wife, the Lady Ann, were not disposed to mix with.

Hmmmm, yes Sir Nicholas – this ‘rabble’ you refer to are called the “Voting Public” – and while they come in a wide variety of shapes and sizes, races, religions and colours – born and bred residents of Anglo-Saxon descent - plus immigrants and refugees – they are also available washed and unwashed, homeless, malnourished, scantily educated - and probably unemployed – but who the phuck do we have to blame for the latter?

Sir Nicholas then went into total dummy-spitting mode and a protracted histrionics and whingeing session, claiming “I use my laptop pc to work when I’m commuting by rail and wish to have the privacy to conduct conferencing forums with political colleagues – or the occasional intimate live webcam botty smacking session with my personal online Dominatrix at Spankers.com.”

“Now how can I do that when I surrounded by damn commoners all looking over my shoulder and blathering on about some mundane crap like football, East Enders and their visits to the Jobcentre.”

However, such is typical of the ‘ruling classes’ and Sir Nicholas’ outburst and protest yet another example of their brazen hubris and the open contempt they hold for 'us' - the common herd.

His diatribe is idiomatic of that minor percentage of the world to whom he ranks himself alongside - the elitist fraternity and their absurd sense of entitlement - that uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are stealing from.

Norman Bunker, the Liberal Democrat MP for Old Scrotum, told Pox News that Winterton’s comments showed how out of the touch the Conservatives were.
"Have a good root around in the Conservative Party and you’ll discover they’ve never changed in decades. Seriously, like the dinosaur they’re all due for a mass extinction level event - probably during this next election.”

"They still think they’re a class apart, they still think they are divinely privileged, and they absolutely resent the idea they should be subject to the same controls and laws as everybody else."

“Just take the current Tory ruling elite’s socially exclusive student dining society they maintained at Oxford University – the silver spoon spoiled brats Bullingdon Club. What a bunch of hedonistic wastrels.”

However Bunker’s remarks elicited a mix of condemnation and approval from other MPs.
Lemonpip Polkadot, Labour's MP for Slutford-on-Rye, maintained "Second class seats are just as good as first class seats – even if you can’t get to sit yer arse down cos some Somalian refugee wot’s just escaped from Bellmarsh copped for the last one and you have to stand up from Euston to Edinburgh – chilblains an’ haemorrhoids permittin’.”

Conversely Sir Isaac Bogbrush, the Tory MP for East Diddling, informed Fux News “Sir Nicholas' remarks were "the out-of-touch views of a soon-to-retire backbench MP who is well past his sell-by date.”
"They do not in any way represent the sentiments or opinions of our Fuhrer - Posh Dave Cameron - or that of the Conservative Party in general - and should be treated as sour grapes from a disaffected old grouch.”

Sir Nicholas and his wife Ann, the Tory MP for the neighbouring constituency of Conger Eel, were investigated by the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner last year, who concluded that they misused their MPs' expenses to pay rent for an apartment that already belonged to them – thus defrauding the public taxpayer they hold in such low esteem.

Apparently once the mortgage on the apartment had been fully repaid, the money-grasping couple transferred the ownership of the property into an offshore blind trust owned by their cat Tiddles.
Since 2002 they had paid the rent to the trust for living in the apartment from their individual MPs' ‘second homes’ expenses by way of a ‘double fiddle’ – with each party claiming the costs.

On 25 May 2009 it was announced that both the crooked Wintertons would stand down as MPs at the next General Election – with Posh Dave Cameron branding their felonious expenses as "indefensible” – and termed the couple as “a pair of greedy sleazebags".

But neither party is a stranger to personal nor political controversy. Sir Nicholas came in for harsh criticism when he was accused of slapping Labour MP Fellattia van der Gammer’s bottom while inside the House of Conmans canteen.
When asked if the accusation was true, he replied: "I'm quite a normal public school chap, you know. Would I slap a colleague’s sexy buns – male or female? The answer is – it's certainly possible."

In May 2002 his wife Ann was sacked from her position as Shadow Minister for Propaganda & Public Scaremongering for telling a racist joke during an after dinner speech at her Conger Eel constituency’s Rugby Club involving tossing Paki’ immigrants out of a (standard class) train window.

Once again in February 2004 she was suspended from the Tory Party for telling further rabid bad taste racist jokes – with a particularly offensive one alluding to the recent drowning deaths of twenty-three illegal immigrant Chinese cockle-pickers working on the mudflats in Morecambe Bay.
Apparently one shark declared he was fed up chasing tuna and another replied, 'Why don't we swim across to Morecambe Bay and get some Chinese instead?'

Doubly condemning was the fact this disgusting incident occured at a Whitehall government dinner party to improve Anglo-Chinese relations – after which the xenophobic Lady Ann refused to apologise – blaming the ‘misunderstanding’ on the ‘slanty gooks’ having no sense of humour.