Can’t Beat the Taliban? – Pay ‘Em Off

An international conference in London - comprising of scumbag junketing politicians blowing their taxpayers’ coin on dodgy expenses – kicks off next Thursday to discuss Afghanistan’s future (sic – don’t laugh) now NATO’s Coalition of the Morons and the Pentagon hierarchy have finally noted – after almost nine years – that their Shock and Awe tactics - and O’Barmy’s recent 30,000 extra troops surge - are having as much success in cowing – never mind defeating - the Taliban as trying to shove butter up a porcupine’s arsehole with a red hot knitting needle.

Now the United States, Britain, Japan, the grumpy Krauts – and the foul and foreign French - are unanimously agreed – for once - to lead a proposal that a 180 degree sea change of grand overall strategy is called for – and intend to kick start a slush fund of one zillion dollars (the cheapo devalued US ones) to pay off the Taliban and get them to stop sending Uncle Sam’s infidel invaders home in body bags.

Obviously this will allow the US and Israeli to concentrate on destabilizing and invading that neighbouring hotbed of frustrating Islamic self-determination – Iran – and thus put a temporary end to threats to Zionist Israel’s bully-boy military hegemony around the Mid-East.

The US Secretary of Sleaze, Hilarious Rodent Clinton, told reporters from the Losers Gazette that they’re ready to strong-arm Hamid Kami Karzai’s Kleptocracy Party government into negotiating with Taliban Dan and his gang of Jolly Jihadi thugs directly - and grant sweeping economic concessions – including the abolition of the controversial ‘Goat Tax’, slashing VAT for first-time donkey buyers – and cutting the monthly council tax charges on mud huts, lean-to's and caves by 50%.

However US House minority leader, the hawkish Billy Bob Slimestein, (R – Redneck / MS) told Fux News “Our criminal government – led by this President Barry Soetero darkie guy - is proposing a plan to pay over a zillion US dollars to Taliban Dan and his gang of beardies to persuade them to lay down their arms.”

“So, is this mother-f*cking Kenyan-Indonesian-Hawaiian President of ours aware of how the US Constitution defines treason?”
“Treason against the United States shall consist in levying War against them, or in adhering to their Enemies – and giving them Aid and Comfort” – and that is precisely what O’Barmy is proposing – aid and comfort.”

“I can actually taste the outrage and bile in my mouth. The brazen hubris and open contempt for our American troops is absolutely stunning.”
“For Christ’s sake he’s worse than those cheese-eating surrender monkeys - the French!”
“In fact we’d be better off with old shit-for-brains Dubya back as President – at least he was up to nuking any twat he didn’t like.”

Conversely, Sapphie Dildodo, spokeswoman for US Secretary of Sleaze Clinton, informed Pox News “This scheme will offer cash, jobs and assorted incentives to the Taliban and fighters in other armed groups.”
“If they disarm and convert to Christianity they get free heroin patches and all the opium they can smoke – simply for turning up for Bible classes.”

“After their first communion they can learn the delights and distractions of the fermented juice of the grape as we plan to establish acres of vineyards across Helmand Province – and a few moonshine distilleries to keep them placated too – just like we used to soothe the savage breasts of our beloved Red Indian tribes.”

Thus, by the end of the fight the score stands at Taliban-3 / Western Neo-Colonial Invaders-0. So proving the old ‘John Wayne’ US military bully boy philosophy of “When you’ve got ‘em by the balls their hearts and minds are sure to follow” doesn’t quite seem to have worked – yet again.

All Taliban Dan and his guys want is a few semi-honest jobs, running potable water, a ban on razor blades - and the reintroduction of Sharia Law – plus Whitey and all other infidel heathens – including Zionist muppets like Hamid Kami Karzai and his Ministry of Graft & Corruption deadlegs - getting the fuck outa Dodge and leaving them happily alone in their hirsute Dark Ages lifestyle.

Well, when applying 20/20 Hindsight to the debacle named Vietnam, and the myth that constitutes US military prowess and grand strategy in general – why not pay off the Taliban – they did it in Iraq just prior to the invasion and got a clear run at Baghdad.
Handfuls of spondoolies doled out to Saddam’s feared Republican Guard generals and the promise of a nice tight-arsed blondie companion and a beachfront property in Florida or Arnieville, California - and they all pissed off as pretty as you please with nary a shot fired.

Now, here’s the clincher for the Brits. Senior porridge wog Gordon 'Incapability' Brown has committed a ‘billion quid’ from the Treasury towards the ‘Tame the Taliban’ zillion-bucks slush fund before they even kick off the conference next week.

Fer Christ’s sake – offer the stony broke British voting public that same billion quid to divvy up between them and they might even vote Labour again in this year’s General Election. Now that would constitute a piece of masterful grand strategy.