Sunday, 21 February 2010

Skewed News Views Roundup

Lucky, the search dog that sniffed out bombs in Afghanistan, is to be honoured with the bow-wow version of the Victoria Cross.

Princess Alexandra will award the horny leg-humping black Scrunthound the Woof Chunks Medal - and bar - at the Imperial Wardogs Museum in London on April Fool’s Day.

The now-retired dog, previously a sergeant in the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment, who now lives in the North Barking Barracks Kennels at Smegmadale-on-Sea, made a regular task of sniffing out bombs hidden beneath Afghani women’s burkahs at NATO checkpoints across the battle-torn Bellend Province.

Lucky was trained to sniff out concealed IED’s by using a mix of C4 and rotting kippers – and will be the 63rd animal to receive the medal created by veterinary charity PDSA to honour pet gallantry in war.

A total of 26 other dogs, 32 World War Two messenger pigeons, three horses and one cat have won the award, introduced by PDSA founder Candida Muffitch in 1943 – not to forget Winston Churchill’s pet - the famous Charlie - a multi-lingual Koi Carp who swam up and down the Rhine gathering intelligence for the Allied war effort – and Cyril the MI6 hamster who spied on Kremlin mice throughout the Berlin airlift crisis.

The Kuwaiti ambassador to Dubai, Sheikh Fizzy al Kaseltzer, has had his marriage contract annulled after discovering the bride was cross-eyed and had facial hair.

According to the Sharia court record the woman had worn an Islamic veil, known as the niqab, on the two previous occasions the couple had met prior to getting hitched in Dubai’s infamous Cyclone Club at the Al Nasser Leisureland – also known as the United Nations of Prostitution.

One report in the Scandal Mongers Gazette states the hoodwinked Kuwaiti diplomat told the court the bride’s mother had tricked him into parting with the mega-shekels dowry by enrapturing him with pictures of the bride's virgin sister, who was clean shaven - and only discovered the deception when he lifted the woman's veil to kiss her following the marriage ceremony.

An even more disturbing fact came to light on their wedding night when the groom sneaked his hand up the blushing bride’s chador and he encountered a pair of hairy bollocks – and a cock bigger than his own.

The Endeavour space shuttle is finally set to launch after its recent overhaul at a Florida Kwik-Fit service station and will be loaded with the International Space Station’s long-awaited conservatory – a hi-tech’ UPVC double-glazed and triple-tinted affair that will fit over the back door air lock and provide a ‘play area’ for the astronauts to unwind and enjoy a barbeque, a few cold beers and a smoko after a hard day’s work floating around and bumping into things.

The actual conservatory unit has been assembled, tested, then disassembled by NASA and ready for shipping for some months but lack of cargo space prevented an earlier delivery – now prompted by the ISS astronauts threatening to go on strike if their ‘chill-out room’ and a new flush toilet aren’t delivered on the next shuttle.

To this end NASA engineers have fitted a modified Chevvy SUV roof rack to the Endeavour space shuttle to facilitate the loading and shipping of the new ‘Celestial Orbiter’ model conservatory.

A further delay affecting Endeavour’s night-time launch elicited streams of abuse from the stressed-out ISS team who, upon being informed that heavy clouds at Cape Canaveral were the cause, berated Mission Control in Houston with the argument “For fuck’s sake – you’re firing the effing thing straight up in the air and it’s dark anyways – so bollocks to the clouds, just light the fuse and get it off the ground and up here to dock with us pronto as we’ve run out of Becks, peanut butter, Spam and toilet rolls.”

A prosthetic limbs specialist who allegedly fitted a false left foot to a blind pensioner's right leg is due to appear before a disciplinary committee.

The Health Professions Council will consider complaints against Dr. Frank McTwat relating to his work at Smegmadale’s Hopscotch Rehabilitation Clinic for Gimps.

One of the claims is that he fitted a left foot to the ankle stump of Mr Morton Slugg, a 96-year old army veteran who lost his right foot while working as a mine clearance detector in Afghanistan.

This resulted in Mr Slugg being unable to maintain a straight line of step and walking round in ever decreasing circles – much to the chagrin and confusion of his seeing-eye guide dog Blinkie.

Bogbrush faces a string of complaints arising from what regulators have termed either shoddy workmanship or extreme bloody mindedness while employed at the Hopscotch Rehab’ Clinic – which include fabricating artificial legs that had a reverse-bending knee joint – similar to that of a horse - which would allow users to jump over fences with relative ease – and enter steeplechase races.

Thirty Fuckbook pages have been removed from the website by company regulators due hard core criminals in UK prisons using them to taunt their victims and the witnesses who gave evidence against them in court, according to Justice Secretary ‘Slack Jack’ Straw.

Straw was speaking after a meeting with victim campaigners to discuss criminals at liberty and their prison-bound cohorts using social networking sites such as Fuckbook to taunt families.

The group are discussing methods to prevent inmates obtaining and utilising smuggled mobile phones to access web pages and threaten witnesses.

Straw informed one reporter from the Grassy Knoll Gazette "These are horrible and profoundly disturbing acts committed by devious, manipulative people – and deeply offensive to public morality.”
"I'm afraid we're dealing with crooks – and as their actions have caused harassment and distress to members of society then this constitutes criminal activity.”

This elicited a string of smiles and guffaws from the gutter press hacks as Straw could well have been referring to the recent revelations of the Chilcot Inquiry – or this morning’s media reports of the disclosure of the UK’s dirty little secrets that military and intelligence services are guilty of colluding with their US psychopath contemporaries in the systematic torture of Muslim patsy terrorist suspects.

The Scottish Labour party has called for legal limits on the amount of caffeine in alcoholic drinks such as Buckfast’s ‘Shitfaced Juice’.

The party's call came ahead of the launch of its Alcohol Commission, which aims to divine some way or the other of tackling Scotland's Guinness world record of drink-related violence around its chain of Troublespot Taverns pubs.

The Alcohol Commission, chaired by ex-pisshead Dr Frank McBogbrush, will be asked to consider how much caffeine -a psychoactive stimulant that keeps boozers awake - should be allowed in drinks.

Strathclyde Police recently told the BBC’s Porridge Wog Review that Buckfast, a fortified wine with a high caffeine content, was mentioned in 5,000 crime reports over a two year period – not so much due its consumption but from drunks beating each other senseless with the synergic heavyweight glass bottles.

Buckfast contains 281 mg of caffeine per 750ml bottle - as much as eight cans of Cola, while the popular Catpiss Reloaded contains only 420 mg per litre.

Scottish Labour health spokeswoman Fellattia Gammer informed Pox News “We believe that if there’s less caffeine in the grog then the drinkers will pass out sooner and not do as much
damage to each other.”

Hmmm, not a bad idea as far as logical approaches go – but did anyone consider actually cutting down the alcohol content of the drinks instead?

In accordance with their sub-continent’s history of cultural non-conformity and mule-like stubbornness, Sir Ramjam Jaffacake QC - Britain's first Indian Sikh judge – has taken to wearing a turban in court instead of the traditional British Law Courts crepe wig.

Not content with this primary deliberate display of heterodoxy, Jaffacake has now declared that Sikhs should be allowed to wear their ceremonial daggers - known as kirpans - to UK schools and other public places – even though British law has banned the carrying of any and all knives that might be classified as offensive weapons.

Well, retorts the obstinate Judge in a typical display of brazen hubris - that might be okay for the white British savages comprising the rank and file of the chav and hoodie yob clans, but Sikhs have a religious right to carry razor sharp, pointed weapons.

Personally I think I’m going to agree with the stupid old twat – but only on the condition he concedes that what’s sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander.

As all these permanently sun-tanned types gained British citizenship through their reluctant memberships of the British Empire (and enjoy the benefits of a welfare state) Judge Jaffacake’s ruling should also apply to Ghurkas and their ceremonial Kukri knives, the Ugandan’s Assegai, the Zimbabwean’s Panga, and not forgetting our neighbourly porridge wogs – the Scots in skirts and their iconic Skean Dhu boot knives.

No doubt when the legislation is thrashed out across the breadth of the Parliament’s virescent leather benches it shall be discovered that provision must be accorded to British Muslims and their ceremonial 'hijacking' boxcutters - plus other marginalised minority groups from around the spread of the Commonwealth to bear their bows and arrows, tomahawks, bolas, boomerangs and blowpipes.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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