Iran to Enrich Uranium Stocks to 100%

Iran's President Mongoose Ahmadashell has directed the country's chief nuclear science team leader to begin enriching uranium to a 100% weapons grade level.
He made the announcement a day after Western skeptics scoffed at Iran's announcement that the International Atomic Energy Agency’s suggestion to swap enriched uranium for nuclear fuel rods was acceptable to their government.

However US and EUSSR politicians immediately declared they were wholly unconvinced of the sincerity of President Ahmadashell’s offer and that Iran must hold another leadership election and kiss some US ass - or face new sanctions.

In response Ahmadashell spit the proverbial dummy live on Iranian state television - and later informed one reporter from the Dirty Bomb Gazette “These Western infidels encroach on and abuse our national sovereignty and self-determination – and demand we do this and that just to please Binman Nuttyahoo and his Zionist scum mates running Israel.”

“When we finally agree and say ‘anything for a quiet life’ - they then say we are bluffing. So we are fed up of fucking the cat, as your expression goes in the West – now we will enrich our uranium to 100% and build nuclear weapons – just like China and India and Pakistan - then we no longer have any rumours or back-stabbing accusations by the Israelis – and they can kiss their regional military hegemony bye-bye.”

“If the Zionist land-grabbers can tell the IAEA to stuff their self-serving nuclear non-proliferation treaty up their bum for years – and ignore the 1976 Symington Amendment, then so can we. Insh’Allah.”

“From tomorrow Dr Umak Sharmuta will start to enrich our uranium stockpiles to 100% with our new Chinese centrifuges," President Ahmadashell declared, addressing Iran's nuclear chief who was sitting in the audience at the grand opening of a prototype high-tech’ sheep’s eyeball pickling plant in Tehran.

However he added "The doors for interaction are still open to the West. All the Israeli’s have to do is return Palestine to its rightful owners and piss off back to their Ashkenazi ghettos around Europe."

Conversely, and in total contradiction to earlier EUSSR and US statements concerning Iran covertly building a nuclear device to destroy Israel, the IAEA’s Director Dr. Seymour Gruntenberger informed the Propaganda Gazette that Iran does not possess the technical know-how to make fuel rods for their reactor – so from where, in that case, one might prudently inquire, did they acquire the technical know-how to manufacture the intricate components of a nuclear bomb?

Regardless of subtle rhetoric and applied guesstimates, the US, Britain and France are pressing for further UN sanctions against Iran and earlier this week circulated a discussion paper on further possible measures against the country – which could include embargoes on the imports of Spam, green paint, Weetabix, Scotchbrite, triple-tinted toilet tissue and Red Bull.