Friday, 26 February 2010

Orca the Killer Whale Gets Standing Ovation

A trainer at the Whale Bait Park in Orlando, Florida, has been pronounced ‘probably dead’ after being attacked and eaten by a five ton Orca.

Children on an outing from Utah’s St Sodoms School for Latter Day Pederasts told Pox News that the whale was getting totally pissed off with bottle blonde ‘fish trainer’ Candida Twatrot teasing it with a sardine treat and had jumped and grabbed her by the head from a poolside platform before dragging her underwater and ripping her to pieces.

Six-year old Billy Bob Dorkfeldt told reporters “Hey it really was a great action-packed show. When I went to the Sea World dump in California all the fish looked so bored and just swam around and shit – but this Orca thing totally spit the dummy and grabbed the dumb bitch head first – you should have heard her scream.”
“Hey, I copped the whole thing on my Blackberry too.”

Guests were evacuated while responding emergency services teams tried to rescue Ms Twatrot – who reportedly had 16 years experience in teasing big fish -but were only able to retrieve a single sanguine-stained trainer.

This same killer whale, Blinkie, was responsible for the death of a female trainer in British Columbia, Canada in 1991 – and involving similar circumstances when it swallowed its victim in two swift bites after being teased with a seafood snackie, according to its police file.

Norm Wankenberg, Whale Bait Park’s head of animal training, was quoted by the Fishmongers Review as saying: "Candida was waving a sardine in front of Blinkie’s nose to get him to jump out of the water and take the titbit outa her hand – but unfortunately Blinkie seems to have lost it – and took the titbit – and Candida – and tits and bits and all.”

After Blinkie was sold to Whale Bait Park Orlando following the 1991 ‘Canadian episode’ he was involved in an incident when authorities discovered the half-eaten body of a naked man floating around the orca pool.
Officials concluded the man, who had crept into the park after closing time had obviously never watched ‘Jaws’ and inadvertently gone for a refreshing swim with the ‘supposedly’ tame whale – and ended up as Blinkie’s dinner.

Fellattia van der Gamm, spokeswoman for the international animal rights group PETA told the Dogday Gazette they had repeatedly requested Whale Bait Park to stop taking wild, ocean-going mammals and confining them to an area that, to them, was the size of a bathtub.
“Really these stupid people wonder why the Orca’s called a ‘killer whale’ – because it gets pissed off with being cooped up and ‘kills’ things.”

Have you been adversely affected psychologically by the issues raised in this story – or did it make you laugh? Were you at Whale Bait Park in Florida on Wednesday? Do you have experience teasing killer whales and getting them to perform silly tricks in return for a fish snackie? Do you want a job? When can you start?

Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel.

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