Wednesday, 3 February 2010

World Goes Mad – Now Official

The People’s Marxist Utopia of China has warned that ties with the United States would be undermined to the point of open hostilities breaking out if US President Barky O’Barmy presses ahead with plans to meet up with the Dalai Lama for a few beers and a barbie at Camp David.

There is speculation that the dodgy Kenyan cuckoo will play host to the Tibetan spiritual leader at the Maryland Presidential retreat later this month for a spot of soul-bonding, but no date has been confirmed.

Xenophobia Minister Sum Dum Fuk told one reporter from the Paranoia Gazette that such a meeting would "threaten trust and co-operation" between Beijing and Washington.

China, which invaded Tibet in 1950, in an illegal act of warlike aggression, considers the Dalai Lama a separatist and tries to isolate the spiritual leader by demanding – with its customary brazen hubris - that foreign leaders refuse to meet with him.

Last year O’Barmy passed up the opportunity to meet the Dalai Lama for a quick blessing when he visited Las Vegas for his annual vacation and enema treatments at Madame Sappho’s Rub and Tug Hydrotherapy Clinic.

Mr Flip Flop Fong, executive deputy minister of the Chinese Communist Party's United Bullying Department told Fux News that if a meeting did take place then the Middle Kingdom would "take corresponding action to make relevant countries see their mistakes”.

This is viewed as a direct threat, implying the Chins would purposely invite Afghan rebel leader Taliban Dan and Islamic terrorist chief Big Al Qaeda to Beijing to discuss their political ambitions and objectives – along with a medley of Iranian government officials; representatives from Hamas and Hezbollah - and the numpty North Korean leader Kim Il Jingle.


An Indonesian man has won several million rupiah in personal accident compensation after his cigarette exploded – blasting out six of his teeth.
Dingbat al Jinxed, 31, told the Jakarta Jackrabbit newspaper that the ciggy he was smoking had blown up in his mouth while he was riding a motorcycle.

Mr Jinxed accepted a payment of five million rupiah (around £25) and all his medical costs from PT Dynamite Tobacco, makers of the Crap Mild brand of exploding cigarette.

A spokesman for PT Dynamite informed the media “Our Crap Mild cig's are specially designed for people to give up smoking – that’s why they taste like shit.”
“If a smoker gets past the halfway point of the cigarette it automatically goes ‘poof!’ – a little flare – and the thing goes out.”
“Obviously one of our manufacturing staff had added too much ‘poof’ to the cigarette that modified Mr Jinxed’s dentistry.”


A university registrar who offered forged degrees to women students in return for kinky spanking sessions has been ‘slapped’ (no pun intended) with a suspended jail sentence.

Smegmadale Crown Court heard that Karl Wankrat filmed himself caning the women at a downtown motel that caters for such ‘activities’.

The 96-year-old pervert worked at the University of Smegmashire in the trusted post of Registrar at the time of the offences.
Mr. Wankrat was given a nine-month sentence suspended for a year after admitting conspiracy to forge fake degrees – and further ordered to undertake 200 hours of community service as a High Street pavement licker.

The court heard that Wankrat, of 46, Lashford Crescent, had at first paid Cameroonian 419 Scam students Candida Bonk and Chlamydia Humpa to be spanked under the pretence that he was conducting a "pain management" study for the university.

One report in this week’s copy of the Flagellants Gazette claims that Wankrat later offered both female students fake university qualifications in return for their participation in extra-curriculum bi-weekly spanking sessions.

Further charges may yet be filed against the disgraced ex-registrar Wankrat as police investigators evaluate forensic evidence that the mutton woollies from which the university degree ‘sheepskins’ were crafted had been drugged with mint sauce then sexually abused prior to being snuffed.


Numpty plods from the SO19 Armed Response Unit fired a baton round at a paralytic drunk who threatened to set himself alight on a night-time London street.

Police officers opened fire after the man - Ghengis McScrunt – an unemployed porridge wog - claimed to have doused himself in petrol and was brandishing a cigarette lighter in a manner that officers construed ‘he knew how to use it’.

Sgt. Bazzer Twatt told a reporter from the Overkill Gazette "To prevent the subject causing himself any serious harm or injury a specially-trained firearms officer discharged a baton round at him."

The man was later treated for a fractured skull and cerebral haemorrhage at the nearby Skidrow Hamlets Hospital mortuary.

A forensics team and the Coroner’s Officer later determined Mr McScrunt had actually doused himself in non-flammable Old Headbanger lager and was as likely to catch fire as any of the attending police officers had of ever passing the IQ test to join Mensa.


While our attentions are drawn recently to thousands of homeless refugees starving in Haiti as a result of the recent HAARP-induced earthquake – with even more across Saharan Africa who have never seen a square meal – or a round one – in their entire lives; the world's most expensive ham has gone on sale in London, according to posh grub retailer Mamon & Snobfords.

The leg of Iberico ham, which costs £1,800, went on sale at the food hall in the retailer's flagship store on Spendthrift Street, central London.

The 7 kilogram (15lb) ham leg comes with its own DNA certificate and a signed portrait of the late porker as proof of it being from a pedigree pig and not some backyard shit-guzzling grunter.

Pig farmer and ham expert Enrico Pepperoni selected 50 'blue blood' pigs that were reared in Gruntellio, Western Spain.

The pigs were fed on a diet of acorns, dandelion blancmange, San Miguel beer, brandy snaps, mustard roots and Weetabix to give the ham a distinctive gourmet luxury flavour.

After being slaughtered the ham was preserved in Hawaiian diamond crystal sea salt and cured for three years hung in the upper branches of a Pyrenees Giant Sequioa, then wrapped in an apron made by the celebrity Spanish tailor Manuel Labour - before going on sale at Mamon & Snobfords' food hall in a rosewood and cedar box crafted by the bespoke carpenter son of the late Royal Slut Princess Margaret : Viscount David Linley.

Hmmmm, £1,800 for 7 kilos – now that might not make many ham sandwiches for the Earth’s starving masses – even those vile ‘wafer-thin’ thingies - but 1,800 quid would sure enough buy a whole shitpile of Pol Pot Insta-Noodles to satisfy the hunger pangs of the Third World’s malnourished – with enough left over to feed a Biblical multitude.

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