Dodgy Doc’ Fiddled Med’ Research Results

In what the front page banner headline of the Scandalmonger’s Gazette is calling the largest medical research fraud to hit the news since the last large medical fraud - the big push to sell the Porcinella H1N1 virus ‘Grunt Gone’ Scamiflu vaccine - Dr. Seymour Barfstein, a former member of the Pfizer Pharmaceutical ‘Speaker’s Bureau’, has agreed to turn ‘State’s snitch’ and plead guilty to faking dozens of research studies that were published in prestigious medical journals.

In exchange Barfstein has negotiated a suspended sentence and probation order that will ensure he’s not committed to one of the sodomite’s paradises for a ten year sphincter-stretching sojourn in what is known collectively as the US Prison system.

Thus the shocking details now being reported across the mainstream gutter press media are the damning facts that Dr. Barfstein accepted a $750,000 grant from Pfizer to study their all-new experimental – and untested - Celebrex non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug used to treat everything from pain to piles – and anorexia to zoophilia.

His research, which was published in the Charlatan’s Review, the Post Mortem Herald – and the Grave Digger’s Weekly - has since been quoted by legions of other doctors and researchers as "absolute proof" that Celebrex helped reduce the chances of contracting a flesh-eating MRSA infection during post-surgical recovery – which contributed directly to Pfizer marketing zillions of Celebrex doses and correspondingly announcing mega-bucks profits due increased sales of their dodgy – untested – mutant medication.

Unfortunately there's only one ‘slight’ problem with the general medical practitioner endorsements and recommendations – the fact that ‘no patients’ were ever enrolled in the study.
Dr. Barfstein, it turns out, faked the entire study to cut down on costs and pay off the mortgage on his third home in Hawaii – plus remit alimony payments to those high maintenance assets now referred to as the ex-Mrs. Barfstein’s - numbers one and two.

However this wasn't the first study faked by Dr. Barfstein. He also trumped up the phoney research study data on Merck’s ‘Vioxx’ - and Pfizer-Pharmacia Corp’s ‘Bextra’ medications - according to reports in the Daily Shitraker – of which Barfberg now claims both company’s officials were well aware.

According to Barfstein’s depositions, FDA panel members regularly rely on falsified research in making their drug approval decisions, and the medical journals consistently quote counterfeit research to fill their otherwise boring pages.

Hence it is now proven before the Court of Public Opinion that fraudulent research is widespread in modern medicine and the pharmaceutical industry would go flat broke tomorrow without it.

Thus the falsified research gives the industry its best marketing claims, and quacks like Dr Seymour Barfstein are an important part of the pharmaceutical profit machine because without falsified research, bribery and corruption, the industry would have very little research – counterfeit or otherwise – to present to the FDA for drug approvals – just a long line of class action lawsuits suing the bollocks off them due their dodgy drug’s debilitating side effects - such as death.

The ex-Doctor Barfstein is quoted by FBI sources and leaked Grand Jury stenography records as testifying “Why would I want to solicit the services of human ‘test patients’? You have to pay them – then they only get sick from the drug’s side effects and die on you.”

“Mice are worthy and reliable enough test subjects – just toss them in the garbage – or give them to the lab’s cat when they croak.”
“Believe me, getting rid of lots of unwanted human bodies without death certificates can be a real problem – if you don’t have handy access to an alligator-infested swamp or your own in-house crematorium.”

Does this instance of deceit remind anyone of the current campaign by Ministry for Propaganda & Public Scaremongering still force-feeding the Climatgate Anthropogenic Global Warming scam down our necks to benefit the greedy pockets of the carbon credits cap n trade exchange bourse peddlers and other associate financial con’ artists?