Friday, 5 February 2010

Adultery Couple Fined a Pig for a Poke

A Malaysian court has fined a man and a woman four water buffaloes and a pig after they were found guilty of conducting an extra-marital affair and engaging in illicit al fresco dogging sessions Рand filming their scandalous m̩nage a trois clusterfuck convocations with a camcorder.

The pair were convicted by the Tree Hangers Court of the First Instance in Penampang - a town in the Borneo state of Sabah - after the man's wife lodged a complaint that her husband’s concubine was getting twice as much cock as she was entitled – while she, the actual wife – was receiving far less than her matrimonial entitlement of twenty shags per month, according to one report in the Headhunter’s Gazette tabloid newsrag.

Mrs. Dingbat Chuckabutty, an unemployed fortune teller, had found her husband bound and spread over an armchair wearing a transvestite drag outfit at the home of his amour Ms. Candida Muffrot - who was parading herself around the room naked - apart from the nine inch strapon didlo belted around her waist – with which she gave Mr. Chuckabutty a good rodgering in between bouts of flagellating his bared buttocks with a sting ray’s tail and a bunch of nettles.

The court in Sabah state rejected their claim they were just "good friends” and there was nothing between them – “apart from the occasional pair of bollocks.”

Convicting the pair under customary local laws, Judge Muhammad bin Killjoy – while visibly struggling to keep a straight face - told a reporter from the Polygamists Gazette there was strong evidence the pair had been “having some hanky-spanky – and maybe some spanky-wanky too.”

Judge Killjoy did point out to the court that while justice was administered according to the canons of Islam, the couple were fortunate Sharia Law was not imposed in Sabah as their sentence upon conviction would be a punishment of being stoned to death with nasty lumps of sharp rock.

Killjoy reminded the court that while the death sentence in Malaysia is applied for various offences – acts of terrorism, poor golf caddying, drug smuggling, armed rebellion – and goat buggery – it would be unfair to punish a man so in this case simply because he was fed up of shagging the same wife after 20 years.

The Judge closed with the admonishment that the people of the state should henceforth conduct their marital affairs according to their vows and, respectively to parties of both sexes, keep their cocks in their pants or their legs tightly closed if their frustrated passions drove them to covet another’s spouse.

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