UK Declares War on Argies - Again

The UK has made "all the preparations that are necessary" to protect the Falkland Islands from Argentinian belligerence and invasion, Prime Munster Gordon Broon told MPs in the House of Conmans yesterday, after issuing a 'See you Jimmy’ warning to ‘stand off or else’ to the Buenos Aires government.

The Tory Shadow Minister for Foreign Aggravation, William Vague, told the Warmongers Gazette the Royal Navy's presence in the region should be increased to more that a single coracle and a couple of dugout canoes rigged with shotguns.

However while the Ministry of Defence has denied reports a naval taskforce is currently under sail and heading to the Falklands the Daily Shitraker is maintaining the scurrilous rumour that up to three extra ships were to join the islands' regular patrol vessel – the HMS Greasy Git.

Conversely Fux News’ defence correspondent Fellattia van der Gamm reports that the destroyer HMS Twatt and the fuel supply tanker RFA Oil Spill are en route to the beleaguered archipelago as well as the HMS Woolyback which is permanently anchored between the Falklands and South Georgia to act as a gannet roost.

The MoD later announced that Britain already had a permanent naval presence in the South Atlantic as well as a thousand-strong contingent of highly trained – and heavily armed - paramilitary sheep permanently based on the islands.

This Mexican-style standoff has been spawned due Argentina – in a typical display of Latino pique – attempting to enforce controls on ships passing through its waters to the islands after the UK announced plans to embark on an extended drilling programme to tap into the Malvinas Basin’s massive oil and gas reserves.

The waters surrounding the disputed islands – while being 7,758 miles from Britain - are considered by the UK to be part of the Outer Channel Islands / British Overseas Territories – much the same as Iraq and Afghanistan and the rest of the once-global encompassing Imperialist empire that gobbled up Third World shitholes to exploit their natural resources – including human slaves with perma-sun tans.

However the Buenos Aires government claims the UK is illegally occupying the Falklands, South Georgia and the South Jam Sandwich Islands – all of which lie ‘somewhere near’ Argentinian territorial waters.

Following Argentina's invasion of the Falklands in 1982, a UK taskforce seized back control in a short war spanning a two month duration that sank the Argie’s navy and claimed the lives of 6,497 Argentine troops, 2 British shepherds and the Falklands Rock lighthouse keeper - who unfortunately shit himself to death on sighting the approaching Argentinian armada.

Billy Bob Dorkberg, the Pox News correspondent in Buenos Aires, claims it was difficult to find anyone in Argentina who believed the Falklands dispute was in danger of triggering another military conflict and had a good laugh at the prospect of the nation’s useless navy ever reaching the islands without sinking en route.

Nevertheless Argentine deputy foreign minister Wotde Fuccinelli said his country would take "adequate measures" to stop oil exploration – up to an including issuing sanctions against Britain - and further threatened the possibly devastating blow of halting the export of Evita soundtrack CDs and cans of Fray Bentos corned beef to the UK.

Speaking from the Falkland’s capital Stanley on the island’s Radio Bog Standard, Ghengis McTwat, the Minister for Sheep Affairs, stated "One of the things that went wrong in the 1980s was that the Argies thought Britain wasn’t really committed to the Falkland Islands – hence we – and Westminster - mustn't make that same mistake again. Our commitment should be very clear as there is no way that we will ever concede sovereignty over the islands or the water around the islands to a bunch of dodgy dago’s".

“We’ve learned our lesson well from their 1982 treachery and sneaky invasion.
“I’ve ordered the mining of the waters around Bodybag Bay and the approaches to Gannet Green – plus all our high explosive-laden kamikaze puffins and kiliwacky birds from the 21st Royal Cormorant Regiment are stood by on a 24/7 full alert.”

Rumours that the rabid ex-Tory PM Maggie Twatcher, who rained brimstone and hellfire on the Argie forces during the 1982 Falklands conflict, is to be inducted to hiss and spit at the Argentinian truce negotiators remain unconfirmed.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.