Sunday, 7 February 2010

Beware the Hypno-Plod Squad

UK plods are having their arms twisted by superiors to sign up for a course by Tommy Scumberger, better known to the public as a 'celebrity hypnotherapist' on American chat shows, in an attempt to extract more information from suspect scallies, benefit frauds and shoplifting terrorists now the EUSSR has prohibited ‘scrotum stamping’ and the use of pliers to rip out a villain’s fingernails to get them to admit they’re guilty of whatever the Plod Squad says.

Scumberger, who once appeared on the Paris Hilton chat show to try and effect a ‘live performance’ cure for her rampant nymphomania – and ended his act by giving one gay male guest a most embarrassing "orgasmic handshake" - normally charges £1,000-a-day for crash courses back home in Redneck Country.

However after being contacted by Superintendent Frank McThugg of the Smegmadale-on-Sea Constabulary, Mr Scumberger - a master hypnotist, no less - agreed a 'free one day taster course' for the force’s plods before they sign up to his six day seminar, costing £1,500 apiece.

The course will teach plod students how to apply 'cutting edge techniques' – without the use of razor-sharp knifes - including an introduction into the all-new EEG Yoga ‘Staring at Sheep’ clairvoyant meta-science and will be funded – as per usual – by the hapless taxpayer, according to the respected security industry magazine - The Big Brother Gazette.

EEG is the recording of electrical activity in the brain gathered by placing sensors on the scalp which monitor 'neuron activity' - which Superintendent McThugg believes can help 'encourage' suspects and witnesses to tell the truth – especially when 220 volts are passed through them.

McThugg, a former welfare officer at Iraq’s Abu Ghraib Prison, told a reporter from The Extraordinary Rendition Weekly that 'forensic hypnosis' is the 'next logical step' for police investigators to use to put the public ‘sheeple’ in a receptive brainwave state - and make it likelier they’ll admit to anything – or simply fall asleep.

Critics and skeptics alike however cite the case of the NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) system being pushed by the Common Purpose social engineering cabal onto police departments two years ago – where body language patterns and eye movements were scrutinised to determine if someone was lying.

This pseudo-science quacksalving ended in an all-out fiasco and costly scandal after one suspect was charged with multiple homicide on evidence determined during an NLP interrogation session and it was only later discovered from his habitual fidgiting in court that he suffered from Parkinson’s Disease and was totally innocent of the accusations – and his confession to being a Time Lord demonstrated his diminished grasp of reality.

Sir Irwin Bogbrus, a former assistant chief constable of Smegmashire, told Pox News "The notion of regressing a witness so a more accurate record of events is stimulated sounds an attractive proposition.”

“However it must realised that hypnosis falls best under the classification of parlour tricks more so than even a vague science – and should be viewed with suspicion - and at worst with total skepticism.”

"I personally am terrified of such circumstances arising where hypnotism is sensible or necessary in a police investigation and officers are culpable of using auto-suggestion to extract evidence –or - Heaven forbid – confessions – from suspects.”

“Imagine what any High Court defence barrister of worth would do with evidence obtained under hypnosis by police officer practitioners. It would constitute a costly comedy of errors staged under the aegis of ‘in the public interest’.”

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