Friday, 5 February 2010

Gold-in-Sacks Bank Pays $100 Million Bonus

Gold-in-Sacks, the world’s richest investment bank, is set to pay its chief executive a bumper bonus of up to $100 million in defiance of moves by US President Barky O’Barmy to take action against such payouts – especially so since it was the US government (read hapless taxpayer) who poured zillions of dollars into preventing a total financial collapse of the system last year due banker’s incompetent investment practices - when they should have followed the time-proven Darwinian credo of ‘Survival of the Fittest’ and let ailing banks simply go tits up - then nationalised what was salvageable and shit-canned the rest.

Bankers in Davos for the World Shylock Forum (WSF) told The Greedy Gits Gazette that Gold-in-Sacks CEO Lloyd Barfstein and other bank directors - Sheldon Slimenheim, Waldo Porkendork, Nathaniel Weaselberg and Hymie Chundermann - were set to receive some of the bank’s biggest-ever payouts.

“Here we have yet another typical illustration of Lloyd Barfstein’s unqualified arrogance and super-ego : thumbing his nose at this O’Barmy Kenyan guy,” Seymour Gruntensnout, head of a major Gold-in-Sacks rival - hedge fund operator Spendthrifts SA – informed the media.

Gold-in-Sacks is set to become the primary focus of an increasingly acrimonious political and financial showdown over the payment of multi-million-bucks bonuses to scumbag Shylocks and dodgy kike bankers – whose all-consuming avarice US President O’Barmy described at Monday’s cabinet meeting as “the unacceptable face of Capitalist greed and the height of shameless irresponsibility.”

The Gold-in-Sacks Bank - often reffered to as the Vampire Squid — is disliked and envied by rivals in equal measure.
Run by a close-knit cabal of men with big noses - and even bigger pockets (who due their Ashkenazi genes and Jewish cultural nature are traditionally obsessed with money-grubbing, things kosher and lopping off foreskins) their establishment has in recent months concentrated on the attractive lucre generated by human suffering and property repossessions - and the wild-card derivatives market which operates on a similar basis to a Las Vegas roulette wheel - but with less certainty of coming up trumps.

The bank’s ruling cabal paid back the billions of dollars it scrounged and mooched from the Government under America’s state-funded financial assistance programme because it wished to avoid any form of long-term political interference that might limit the scope of their nefarious speculations in the ‘Alice in Wonderland’ global warming cash cow scams – evidenced by their recent activity around both the New York Mercantile and the Chicago Climate Futures Exchange, betting on carbon offset cap n trade credit futures that are more at scent than substance – especially so now with another Ice Age kicking in.

Regardless, a bumper payout for Barfstein will come after this week’s discussions by Gold-in-Sacks’s rivals in Europe - to limit executive pay in order to appease politicians – went down like a lead balloon.

The move hoped to avoid the public outcry generated by the disgusting pay-outs achieving a critical mass state and kick-starting a long-overdue chain reaction of violence towards bankers amongst the world’s disaffected peasants in general - and proletariate anarchists in particular - on the scale of the 1789 French and 1917 Russian revolutions.

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