Wednesday, 24 February 2010

Heretics & Blasphemers Diss’ Christ

The government of the Indian state of Megashithole has confiscated school textbooks showing pictures of Jesus Christ holding a cigarette and a can of beer.

The book had been commissioned for use in primary school classes and caused a furore and several violent riots in the north-eastern state, where more than 70% of the population are Christians who worship at the Cheesy Crust Church of What’s Happening Now.

Education Minister Brakefluid Jaffacake told a reporter from the Apostasy Monitor that legal action against the publishers was being contemplated – if an irate mob of offended Christian types didn’t burn down their offices and crucify them first.

The company, Phuckwit Educational Books and based in smelly Delhi, has so far not responded to the complaints due a breakdown in state-wide communications caused by massive electricity blackouts, plus a telecommunications and a postal strike – all of which kicked off last November when workers demanded to be paid their long-outstanding 2009 salaries before Christmas.

Minister Jaffacake further commented on the textbook scandal "We are now considering legal action against the publisher of the controversial texts but we still don’t know if this was someone’s idea of a bad joke or done by Hindu extremists or Muslim subversive elements working in the company’s art and printing division.”

The controversial picture of Jesus was first discovered in new editions of cursive writing exercise books being used at the private St Sodom’s School for Latter Day Pederasts in the state capital of Shitalong when a group of religious studies pupils were reproached and disciplined by teachers for smoking and supping cans of beer on campus during their study period.

The student union leapt to their defence and took umbrage, quickly apprising the school authorities that if it was okay for Jesus the Messiah to enjoy a smoke and a can of lager, they why couldn’t religious students follow his example?

"We are deeply hurt by this profanity and the insensitivity of the apostate publisher. How can one show such total disrespect for a religion?" commented the Very Reverend Dumdum Chuckabutty, the Archbishop of Shitalong.

“Anyway, one consolation we can thank Christ – whoops – is that it’s not a picture of Allah or Mohammed with a ciggie in one hand and a can of Old Headbanger lager in the other or we’d have Fatwa’s flying everywhere and a religious jihad breaking out against the offending parties.”

So, while on the subject of addled-brained heresies and blasphemy in general one might further consider the juxtaposed and current disrespectful ‘irreligious’ comments referencing Jesus the Christ and Messiah uttered by Sir Elton John - a once quite well known music performer a couple of decades back before it was discovered he was a raving transvestite faggot and got his sad arse hitched to some limp-wristed Canadian bloke called Furnish – as his lawfully-wedded husband – or wife – thereafter totally losing touch with Reality.

Thus it was that Elton, in a most recent lapse of common sense, stated during an interview with the US magazine Gay Parade that Jesus (God’s eldest lad) was a "big poofta".
The singer also told Gay Parade that while Jesus might have been a nice sort of compassionate, forgiving bloke - who understood human problems – he was still a raving poof.

Reverend Eustace Bogbrush, the official spokesman for the Church of England, told the Iconoclasts Gazette "Elton John's reflection that Jesus calls us all to love and forgive is one shared by all Christians."
"However his biased insights into aspects of the Messiah’s sexual orientation and whether he was straight, bisexual – or a raving arse bandit who gave his twelve disciples one up the back passage - are questions perhaps best left to the theologian academics and not some sad, fat old poof whose shelf life expired years ago.”

Elton concluded the interview by revealing he is now disillusioned by fame and no longer enjoys being a celebrity as – to quote - "fame attracts nutters".

Hmmmm, possibly – but likewise it might be proffered that ‘fame creates nutters’- with raving drag queen Sir Elton being a prime example.

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