A Smegmadale-on-Sea van driver has been fined for blowing his nose - by the same shit-for-brains plod who ticketed a woman for littering in 2009 when she dropped a £10 note out of her back pocket by accident.
When bespoke craftsman tortoise polisher Bazzer Scrunt found himself stuck in a queue of traffic with a runny nose, he instinctively pulled on the handbrake, knocked the van out of gear and reached for his hankie.
However, the simple act of pulling out an innocent snotrag and blowing his beak earned him a £60 on-the-spot fine because he was 'not in proper control of his vehicle'.
Police Constable Ghengis McTwat (nicknamed PC Shiny Buttons for his nasty and officious Gestapo-style approach to the job) also handed out three points - even though Mr Scrunt had his handbrake on and was stopped in a long queue of traffic awaiting the town’s notoriously slow Kuntford Junction traffic lights to change to green so he could proceed.
Now Mr Scrunt, a 96-year-old father-of-fourteen, faces a potentially expensive legal battle to clear his name after vowing not to pay the fine and declaring himself ready to join the august ranks of the celebrated 13th Century Smegmadale Martyrs – who suffered ‘death by buggery’ at the hands of the despotic King John’s seneschals for refusing to pay the exploitive ‘Duck Tax’.
However, Bazzer Scrunt is simply the latest victim of PC McTwat, who is himself no stranger to controversy concerning his policing duties.
A few months ago, this same zealous officer issued a £50 fixed penalty fine for littering to unemployed Candida Mingerot, who accidentally dropped a £10 note in the street as she left a Pound Stretcher outlet.
In 2008 PC McTwat was responsible for the arrest of two Moroccan campers who were waiting for a ride at one of Smegmashire's Doggers Forest bus stops and charged them with ‘loitering with a tent’ – apparently justified as McTwat considered them “dodgy Arab beardie types wot might be up ter no good.”
PC McTwat has been previously reprimanded by the Smegmashire force’s Chief Constable for harassing a mock turtle in a local pet shop window and was demoted back to the rank of PCSO Pavement Licker for six months.
Conversely McTwat told a reporter from the Daily Shitraker “This bloke Scrunt’s one of yer typical white van driver scumbags wot woz stopped in traffic an’ had a Smegmadale Window Lickers football club decal stuck on his windscreen holding up the tax disc.”
“Nobody’s forgot their last winnin’ match against my team - Luton Gimps United – an’ when he starts takin’ his effin’ hands off the wheel an’ blowin’ his effin’ nose then that simply took the biscuit – especially so as it constitutes a direct and blatant contravention of the EUSSR’s ‘Nose Blowing Act’ of 2009”
Ms. Fellattia van der Gamm, a Harley Street clinical psychologist, was hired by the Neo-Nazi Gazette to construct a psychological profile of PC McTwat, which the tabloid news sheet hopes will assist Mr Scrunt win his court case – if the DPP – against all better judgement – decides - it is in the public interest to prosecute the driver.
One Smegmadale police whistleblower who spoke with Dr van der Gamm on conditions of anonynimity (PC 28439 Tittletattle) opined 'Total nonsense like this is the very opposite of good policing. McTwat is known as PC Shiny Buttons for his lack of common sense approach to the job.”
'It is supposed to be about serving and protecting the public - not embarking on some petty personal power trip.'
According to Dr Gamm’s diagnosis, PC McTwat, a former Luton Council tomcat strangler, suffers from an egocentric complex due a lack of self esteem and having no toys as a child – coupled to erectile dysfunction - which is why he turned out to be such a total wanker.
Dr. Gamm continued “What we have here is a person for whom the English language lacks the necessary lexicon to describe him – and his pathological egocentric condition. His head is so far up his own arse he can’t see the wood for the trees.”
“While he may well be the product of a broken home – which he probably broke – he should never have been allowed to join the ranks of any official body where he has power over other members of society.”
“PC McTwat is the perfect stereotype candidate – an arrogant power-hungry pisspot – excuse me – despot – with a sadistic streak who would jump at the chance of volunteering to turn on the concentration camp shower’s Zyklon B valves and light the gas ovens.”
“I suppose the general public should count itself lucky PC McTwat’s not a member of the Met’s SO19 Armed Response unit otherwise there would be no Brazilians nor electricians left alive around London.”
"This is yet another shocking example of educationally sub-normal clots being recruited into the police force and harassing innocent motorists simply because they are an easy target.”
"To suggest that a driver could be prosecuted for blowing his nose while stopped in a traffic queue – or pulled over and cautioned for laughing while driving as per demonstrated in Merseyside last year - is ludicrous beyond belief.”
“Whatever next? Can we expect to hear of people being stopped for sneezing or coughing while they are at the wheel?"
”Even if the PC is an idiot you would expect at least one of his superiors to recognise this is nonsense and put a stop to it – but alas this appears not to be the case.”
So, nose-blowing, gobbing, laughing, farting or whatever – perhaps ‘blowing’ in general might end up as a criminal offence.
Remember all the shit that hit the proverbial media fan when it became public knowledge that Monica Lewinsky had been ‘blowing’ Dodger Bill Clinton in the Oral – sorry – Oval - Office.
Have you ever been pulled over by the plods for committing some stupid offence while driving – such as scratching your crotch or looking at road signs? Are you paranoid about your facial expressions or body language while driving?
Do you suffer from any psychotic disorder characterized by delusions of persecution or an extreme irrational mistrust of people in blue uniforms? Do you believe Plods only wear stab vests as 95% of the public would like to knife them?
Send us your thoughts and comments by entering our 'Win a Hankie' competition using the online form below and we’ll have the EUSSR’s Brussels' office conjure up a new daft traffic law to target you personally.
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