National Health Service - FUBAR

A National Health Service call centre to help people struggling with stress has been launched by the government’s Ministry of Paranoia

The service will be available across England, following concerns about the mounting problems people will face in coming months due the basket case condition of the UK’s economy – regardless of reassurances by Slime Minister Gordon ‘Stalin’ Broon that ‘things are looking up for Britain now Peter Scandalson’s in charge of the purse’.

While certain critics simply jumped on the brickbats bandwagon with eyes shut, the Tory Shadow Minister for Scaremongering, Rt. Hon. Quentin Thort-Nott, was quick to stress (ooops – no pun intended) that this related to the public’s psychological anxiety caused by putting up with 12 years of disgraceful Labour government, listening to Tony Bliar’s lies, getting dragged into two illegal foreign wars of aggression, finding senior government scientists murdered in the woods, and catching House of Conmans MPs with their greedy little paws jammed in the cash register.

Further to this and to really crown the nervous trauma dynamic, the country has ended up with Slime Minister Broon lording it around Downing Street – a politician with the charisma of a chemotherapy ward - who nobody ever voted for.

The ‘stress factor’ situation has been aggravated by home owners seeing property prices fall to pre-Ice Age levels, being made redundant from their jobs plus having mortgages foreclosed and kicked out of the family house – then having to live in a cardboard box on a coastal landfill site miles away from the nearest Jobcentre or welfare benefits office.

Trainee immigrant pikey staff recently released from Belmarsh Prison – but who failed to qualify as Samaritans advisers - will man the hotlines - available on 0800 666 6666 - from 9:30 to 5:00 daily – except weekends, Bank Holidays, or during Ramadan and Happy Hajj Week.

Simply dial the number, enjoy the background music and keep pressing 1 until some Paki troll comes online in Karachi and asks which soccer team you support and would you like to meet her sister.

Jacqui Jaruzelski, the mental health lead at NHS Direct, said the call centre advisers were there to offer sympathetic, relevant support and provide tactical advice – such as telling callers to head down the pub for a few beers then drown their sorrows in a good old binge session.

Conversely another section of the NHS website has some appealing advice for stressed-out members of the public struggling to schedule a diet and fitness routine into their daily lives - a workout between the sheets.

According to the NHS Direct website, "sexercise" can lower the risk of heart attacks and induces people to spend more money on Viagra and condoms – thus stimulating the UK’s ratshit economy.
Apparently endorphins released during orgasm – both male and female - stimulate immune system cells which then target illnesses like cancer – and also helps to get rid of facial wrinkles.

Sounds like so much snake oil? Well maybe, but while NHS sexual health experts admitted such claims could not be scientifically proven, Dr Fellattia van der Gamm told a reporter from the Dog Wankers Gazette "It's good to see the NHS are promoting sexual wellbeing.”

“Sexercise is excellent for reducing stress – especially so in males – unless the woman’s husband comes home early and catches you humping the ass off her – then you have to leg it very quickly with your pants around your ankles.”

“So forget about jogging round the block or struggling with sit-ups as sex uses every muscle group, gets the heart and lungs working hard, and burns about 300 calories an hour – if you can keep it up that long."
“So, go on – fuck your brains out and enjoy a long healthy life.”

To give the NHS a final well-deserved kick in the goolies before dropping the dead donkey and going to press, while you can’t get anything of real use out of your local GP, apart from a recommendation of “Keep taking the Paracetamol” – even for a brain tumour – in Germany a stork called Dietmar who lost one leg in an accident (50% pedestrian mobility) on Christmas Eve after being hit by a reindeer-drawn sleigh, has received treatment from one of the RSPB’s top surgical teams.

The stork is currently being treated in an intense care unit at a government-financed bird sanctuary in Saxony, Germany, where medical trauma specialists were flown in from the battlefields of Helmand Province in Afghanistan to treat Deitmar – then crafted a bespoke carbon fibre prosthetic limb so the bird could walk and wade once again.

So while Dietmar’s high-flying baby-delivering days might now be over he can still manage to get aloft and go through the motions with a Cabbage Patch doll stuck in his beak. Bravo, and kudos all round for German ingenuity – er - post-1945.

Meanwhile, back here in the UK my 96-year old Aunt Gladys has been waiting since last October for an appointment to get her knee X-rayed at the local physiotherapy clinic. Bollocks to the NHS - hop on one leg and squawk – then call the RSPB, Gladys.