Sunday, 10 January 2010

Global Warming Cause of UK’s Big Chill

New Labour’s all-powerful Ministry for Carbon Exchange - recently established to replace and encompass the Department of Global Warming, the Ministry of Scaremongering, the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money, and the Alastair Campbell Institute for Black Propaganda – has issued a full spectrum media release to the tax-paying peasantry stating the current cold snap which ominously descended across Europe like an ironic avenging angel in the wake of the blizzard-stricken Copenhagen Summit, is in fact simply a result of EUSSR scientists using HAARP weather control technology to shift massive CO2 deposits out of the skies of Northern Europe to Equatorial Africa - where the gollies have never heard of the Anthropogenic Global Warming myth so don’t notice it getting any hotter.

Professor Guido Fuctifino from the East Anglia-based Institute for Advanced Guessology and Weather Data Juggling informed the Climategate Gazette “The HAARP CO2 trans-migration system’s still in the experimental stage since we created Hurricane Katrina and we simply moved too much from over the UK to central Africa - so it got very cold – and very fast too.”

“Unfortunately, while we are getting the hang of moving large CO2 deposits from across Europe and dumping it into the upper atmosphere of Third World shitholes we haven’t quite perfected how to move it back again if the need arose – as per the UK’s present Arctic predicament.”

“But not to worry – as soon as supplies of domestic heating gas run out next week there’ll be dead oldies and homeless street people frozen to death all over the country and when they thaw out the decomposing gases will soon start warming old England back up again – just in time for yet another splendid barbeque Summer.”

Hence, in light of the Biblical scale irony of the Gaia Spirit / Mother Nature whipping up a blizzard that dumped snow on the Copenhagen convention where world leaders assembled to hold a summit to impose their draconic new legislation to halt the AGW phenomenon, here’s some hard-as-ice cold facts on the hot topic of the global warming and carbon credit cap n trade exchange scams in the wake of the Climategate scandal that are potent enough to freeze a bevy of MPs to their dodgy expense claims.

The current six inches-plus of snowfall and ensuing 24/7 sub-zero temperature doesn’t exactly support St Albert of Gore’s gospel of global warming predictions – nor instil confidence that anything the twat says is in any way related to the truth - or give cause to support a hefty cap n trade carbon exchange tax system – especially so when a record Xmas cold snap deservedly hit Gore's own home town of Twatsville, Tennessee.

In fact temperature’s dropped so low that even the snow-bound sycophants comprising the BBC's meteorological forecast staff had to admit that observational evidence (British Scareways grounded and the Rattletrack cross-country train service frozen to the rail lines) could no longer be ignored and were forced to ask “Hey Big Al’, what der fuck happened with yer global warming prophecies, huh?”

Heathrow-based British Scareways issued one advisory that air travel passengers should call their respective scarelines first before putting on snowshoes and walking to the airport to find their flights to Tyrolean winter sports ski resorts have been cancelled.

Overnight temperatures of -20 C are widespread, leaving stranded commuters and homeless peasants frozen to bus shelters, road signs and pavements as rock salt supplies for road gritting operations were depleted and local council highway maintenance workers broke into fish and chip shops to commandeer stocks of the white gritty shit.

Thousands of schools remain closed with warnings that some exam candidates could have to wait five months to sit GCSE and A-level modules across the UK if severe weather conditions prevail through next week.
It has been suggested that if the Arctic conditions do not dissipate by July, and a new Ice Age has kicked in, then the entire secondary education syllabus will be modified to include certificate qualifications for Igloo Construction, Dogsled Handling & Care, Reindeer Husbandry and Low Cholesterol Cooking with Seal Blubber.

Further, alternate news sources are enjoying a heyday, hurling scoops of fresh steaming derision at Defra’s announcement that recent Brussels legislation legally compelling farmers to grow the EUSSR / Monsanto-patented ‘Trump-less’ flatulent-free meadow grass to cut down on bovine SBD gnarly farts and belch-based methane emissions will solve 50% of Europe’s ‘rural emissions’ criteria.

Conversely pettifogging local bureaucracy has so much invested in the global warming myth (scam) that local council Carbon Footprint Gestapo officers are hot to trot and ready to act on information received from the newly-opened Grassers & Snitches 24/7 call centre, and will be working hand in hand with Civil Enforcement Officers and the Mandatory Compliance Squad to enforce Cap n Trade regulations at every aspect of the suburban residence level.

This will involve the integrated Cap n Trade Stasi checking individual household colour coded wheelie bins for ‘recycling abuse’ and issuing on-the-spot fines.

While the Nobel commission has demanded the return of President Barky O’Barmy’s Peace Prize after he committed 30,000- plus extra troops – and replacement CIA spooks - to fight an illegal war of aggression and occupation in Afghanistan, rumours that they have demanded the same from St. Al Gore for the award presented for his scare-documentary “A Convenient Pile of Bullshit” have yet to be confirmed.

However, as Climategate has now ironically revealed, Gore and IPCC scientists have been hard at work for years hiding evidence of global cooling and the Northern Hemisphere experiencing the birth pangs of a new Ice Age.

Gore has thus proved himself a typical lucre-grasping political whore and career hypocrite - and a member of that elitist egocentric minority percentage of the human race that uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are stealing from.

His actions further confirm the greedy git is sadly lacking in any form of true substance or sincerity to act as a role model for advertising the merits of carbon exchange cap n trade when his personal carbon footprint is bigger than a Sasquatch’s.

News fresh off the wire advises the UK’s Borders Agency has been put on full alert and is currently fielding extra temporary staff seconded from Bellmarsh Immigration Prison to police the entire length of the South Coast after the English Channel froze over during the night and hordes of foreign undesirables and refugee types started to do the ‘Jesus Trick’ and walk across the waters from Belgium and France – to the lyrical strains of an en mass chant of “Welfare State”.

No comments: