Thursday, 28 January 2010

The Secret of Moaning Lisa’s Enigmatic Smirk

For centuries art historians – and too His Regal Nastiness, the Emperor Napoleon - have stood to ponder and hypothesise over the Moaning Lisa's sphinxian smile – and what Leonardo actually saw and was thinking at the time his charcoal crafted her mouth.

Reflecting on her infamous foul temperament, was this Cheshire cat grin the result of wind, the lack of a frontal denture – or had she just finished playing suck and swallow with the bisexual master artist?

For Professor Guido Fuctifino, head of forensic pathological anatomy at Bolognasti University, Moaning Lisa shows clear signs of constipation – most probably due the customary diet of olives, donkey meat, raw Savoy cabbage, turnips and Chianti - and she might well have just dropped an especially gnarly fart – or taken a massive dump before ‘assuming her pose’ - hence the visible facial relief.

Conversely, according to the renowned Tuscan art historian Dr. Luigi Pepperoni, Lisa was the wife of a wealthy Florentine silk merchant - Francesco del Giocondo – and while the early 16th Century Italian Renaissance period painting has, through the passage of centuries, earned such complimentary titles as La Joconde - and too the derogatory La Slappera (the Moocher) – it has – on the one hand - been almost unanimously acclaimed as the mythical embodiment of eternal femininity – a work of spiritual and mystic significance – while on the other, critics have pilloried Mrs. Giocondo as just another cheap Gherardini family scrubber out on the cadge - who would throw anyone and their dog a smile - and drop her knickers - for a couple of ducats.

Dr. Pepperoni makes reference to reams of letters and folios that passed between various branches and members of the extensive Giocondo family in which Francesco’s missus is repeatedly labelled with the unkind sobriquet of ‘Moaning Lisa’ due her constant whingeing.

However, after accessing and researching Pepperoni’s documents, Professor Fuctifino claims his medical examinations reveal more than artistic viewings, and he believes Lisa might well have earned her nickname as a whining twat due an acute chronic condition of strangulated haemorrhoids – caused by rampant anal sex with multiple dogging partners during her adolescent years.

Per contra, Leonardo Da Vinci's 16th Century portrait of Moaning Lisa was not the only work of art to receive the Professor's medical diagnosis.

He also suggests the facial blemishes in Botticelli's ‘Portrait of a Scabby Youth’ reveal the Papal catamite was not stricken with adolescent acne but rather these unsightly marks were healed chancre scars from the condition of Tertiary syphilis.

Professor Fuctifino has even diagnosed the artist Michelangelo himself - depicted in Raphael's ‘The School of Athens’ – wherein he deduces from a combination of visual examinations and reference to historical documents that his swollen knees in the painting might well appear to indicate excessive uric acid - and gout - but in fact were a result of getting a good kicking the previous day from the Pope’s Swiss bodyguards for dragging out the redecorating of the Sistine Chapel’s ceiling from the requested quick once-over cheapo paint job into a protracted career duration work of art.

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