Friday, 22 January 2010

Skewed News Views Roundup

Mr Bogbrush Jaffacake, Chairman of the Indian Premier League, and his esteemed colleague Mr Dingbat Chuckabutty of the Chennai Super Scammers, have announced their plans to export cricket to the United States.

However the likelihood of such ever becoming a reality is being bandied around and questioned even in polite social circles.
To wit, can a bunch of shit-for-brains redneck Yanks ever take cricket to heart – with critics at Britain’s prestigious MCC posing the most relevant question of : why bother?

Considering the total fuck up the colonial clots have made of our beloved sport of Rugby: now reformatted as A-merican football – and too the traditional English schoolgirl game of ‘Rounders’ – which they’ve turned into a free-for-all faggot match called ‘Baseball’- what cultural devastation are they likely to visit upon the historic and noble sport of cricket?

The mind boggles to ponder, when to the majority of IQ-deficient Ham Shanks, the name Cricket is synonymous with that of a discount rates mobile phone company.


Now the UK is in the run-up to a General Election by mid-year and we can finally get shut of the bunch of lying twats who currently comprise the ranks of the incumbent New Labour party – and the scheming Peter Scandalson - BBC’s Radio One is launching a novel political programme to get inside the heads of the wannabe candidates who mean to run for High Office.

Titled ‘Duck Island Discs’, the slot will be broadcast live from the House of Conmans and concentrate on prospective MPs and too those disgraced in the recent excessive expenses scandal – questioning what juicy criminal materials they might have stored on data sticks and secreted CDs.

It was hoped to open the programme season by interviewing ‘Mr Duck Island’ himself – Sir Peter Sniggers – but apparently he will be busy helping police with their inquiries and spending some time in retreat from society – at Her Majesty’s Pleasure – in the dodgy MP’s wing of HM Scumbag Prison – quite possibly squatting in the same cell once occupied by such political sleazebags and serial liars as Jonathan Aitken and Jeffery Archer.

The disgraced – albeit brass-necked - ex-MP Neil ‘The Wheel’ Hamilton and his super-slapper wife Christine volunteered their celebrity presences as guests on the show’s pilot until they were informed there was no huge fee forthcoming and told the Beeb to ‘Stick it!’


Formula One world racing champion Jenson Button is to be made an honorary citizen of his home town in Scumerset and have a new footbridge named after him.
Members of Frome Town Council voted to give him the civic honour in recognition of his achievements of driving cars very fast and repeatedly breaking the speed limit.

Mayor Morton Scrunt told a reporter from the Numpty News Review "The footbridge is going to be built across Frome High Street – connecting the Fighting Dog & Pikey pub with the Greasy Cod chippy an’ do away with the old pelican crossing thingie due our pensioner types getting clobbered by cars on a daliy basis cos they don’t wait for the little green man to flash.”

“Anyway we thought it would be a good idea to name it ‘The Frome Flyer’ – but our local postman’s already been awarded that title delivering mail on his red bike – so we the decided on the Benjamin Button MBE Memorial Footbridge – an’ we’re going to have bright red, yellow an’ black go-faster stripes right along it – just like his Formula One Brawn FO108W Mercedes."

“Personally I wanted to put young Jenson up for a Nobel Prize but apparently they don’t do one fer motor racing – yet.”


Following a bout of arm-twisting and an extremely painful Chinese burn administered by party leader Posh Dave Cameron, the Tory Shadow Chancellor Georgie Osborne has agreed to repay to the House of Conmans’ piggy bank the £1,936 he fiddled on his MP’s expenses.

The expenses anomaly was scrutinised and investigated by Parliament's Standards Commissioner and related directly to Osborne’s second home allowance claims after a complaint was received from an anonymous back-stabbing Labour party whistleblower (John ‘Who ate all the Pies’ Prescott).

The inquiry discovered that not only was Osborne not entitled to claim for a ‘second home’ allowance, he wasn’t even entitled to claim for a ‘first home’ as he lives in the garden shed behind his Mum’s ground floor council flat in east London’s Skidrow Hamlets.

Osbourne told reporters he was sorry he’d been caught with his sticky fingers in the till and would be more careful next time – especially when he’s appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer in June.


Across the globe, in the South-East Asian basket-case Republic of the Philistines, the news media is concentrating on the latest developments in the case surrounding the Mindanao Island slaying of forty-plus political opponents of the ruling incumbent scumbag Governor of Maguindanao Province - Andal Ampatuan Snr.

Now known as the Ampatuan Massacre, forensic police investigators last week concluded that the bulldozed mass grave concealing forty-seven bullet-ridden bodies – mainly women and journalists - was definitely not the result of a religious cult suicide pact but actually one of large scale politically-motivated homicide.

The leading villainous protagonist in this slaughter has now been identified as the son of the provincial governor - the Datu Unsay town mayor Andal Ampatuan Jnr. – now incarcerated behind bars in Manila and awaiting trial.

However political critics have been quick to point out that the term ‘Justice for All’ is going to prove more at scent than substance for the families of those murdered as the Ampatuan clan are as thick as thieves with Philistine's President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and her ‘Super Sleaze Corruptioni Party’.

Such opinions might well be proved correct now the Office of the President has appointed a manky Muslim Supreme Court Justice 'Judge Ronnie Ampatuan' (no relation) to hear and try the case.

Addressing a Grand Jury, Judge Amputuan informed them the original charge filed against the accused - Andal Ampatuan Jnr - of Mass Murder had been reclassified as Self Defence, and was now being further reduced to Justifiable Homicide – case dismissed.


The prestigious Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid Film Festival – due to be held in downtown tropical Haiti this weekend - will now take place in the boring old salty Moron State of Utah instead.

One highlight is set to be the Sunday Surprise screening of a film documentary by the notorious British graffiti street artist Wanksy, whose work has decorated his home town of Bristol, Israel's West Bank ‘Apartheid Barrier’ and Barky O’Barmy’s grass hut birthplace in Kenya.

Wanksy’s docu-movie ‘Exit Through The Shit Box’ will have its world premiere at the Sundance Film Festival, his agent Darth Sith told a reporter from the Enigma Gazette.
Billed as "the world's first street art disaster movie", its inclusion in the festival has been shrouded in so much secrecy it’s rumoured even Wanksy himself doesn’t know what it’s about.

Wanksy is renowned for teasing his audience, giving authority the big finger, and continually pulling the wool over people's eyes to stage unexpected stunts.
Last year the artist installed a twelve foot dildo on top of Bristol's Town Hall tower, and once smuggled a four metre high inflatable elephant into the Cabinet Room of No 10 Downing Street – which went unnoticed for several months.

The film, according to Bristol-born Bert Twatt – a deaf, dumb and blind tortoise polisher who claims to know the artist personally - "It's the story of how one man set out to film the un-filmable - and failed – if yer gets me meanin’ like".

Conversely Wanksy has both mythologized and subverted his own image, so the film could raise more questions than it answers.

The film is further rumoured to contain exclusive footage of Wanksy himself and many of the world's most infamous graffiti artists at work painting ‘Gordon’s a Cunt’ along the top of Hadrian’s Wall.

However, until the film is shown, it is not known whether Wanksy's true identity will be revealed.

The UK’s premier High Street betsters - Shit-or-Bust Bookies – are giving odds-on that his identity will remain a secret – but contrarily setting odds of 100 to 1 of him turning out to be no other than Lord Lucan – and 65 to 1 odds he’s actually Top Gear’s mystery stunt driver - the Stig.

Conversely, according to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, we don’t know shit from Shinola.

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* Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and squirrel shit.

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