Ulster’s First Nympho Goes Ga-Ga

Iris McSlagg Robinson, the 65-year old wayward slapper wife of Northern Ireland’s First Minister is to stand down as an MP and Member of the Legislative Assembly as further evidence is revealed in the tabloid gutter press that she misused her elected political office to achieve personal criminal ends and appropriate illegal fiscal gains.

Juxtaposed to this scandal, pressure is now mounting for her cuckolded husband Peter Robinson – the MP for East Felony, to explain his involvement in her dodgy financial dealings.
Earlier this week, the Daily Shitraker alleged Mr Robinson failed to inform the relevant Parliamentary authorities his wife had illegally obtained £50,000 from two property developers who were then favoured by being awarded untendered government building contracts.

The BBC’s ‘Scandalmongers’ programme claimed First Lady McSlagg had obtained the money from two property developers in her Stranglehold constituency in County Down - which was paid to her 19-year-old toy boy, Hugh Jampton, to help him launch the trendy Dead Slug Café – of which she took £5,000 as a ‘facilitation fee’.

Last week the ginger minger McSlagg issued a press statement announcing she was leaving politics due to reasons of gross embarrassment after breaching the Bible’s 11th Commandment - Thou shalt not be found out - and having her nefarious sins exposed in the public arena.

The financial impropriety allegations were followed by a public admission by Mr Robinson that his wife had recently attempted a David Kelly style suicide in the woods but her penknife – just like Kelly’s – was too blunt to draw sufficient blood – following which she went into a total manic depressive state claiming “I can’t do fuck all right – even killing myself. I’m effin’ off to that Euthanasia Direct place in Switzerland.”

First Minister Robinson and McSlagg were married in 1970 and have several children fathered by her various lovers, rent-boys, gigolos, male prostitutes - and a donkey.

The Daily Shitraker this morning reported that McSlagg had transgressed virtually every rule in the Code of Conduct for MPs and councillors – and had to go.

Conversely Mr Robinson's solicitor, Ms. Sue Fleecem of Upshot, Bagsnot & Shitpot, claims that at all times their client had acted with propriety and fulfilled nearly all Parliamentary requirements – and it was hardly his fault that his wife was an utter and complete sticky-fingered cunt with an insatiable appetite for virile young men who weren’t too adverse to gray pubic hair and playing ‘Grab-a-Granny’.

Apparently Ms McSlagg, apart from being a raving nymphomaniac, also suffers from a rare type of St Vitus Dance which prevents her from keeping her legs closed for more than a few minutes at a time.

McSlagg, a former pole dancer at the Harland and Wolff Shipyard’s social club, went on to work in the prestigious Belfast Sluts-R-Us nightspot, where she met husband-to-be Robinson while flogging her golly to the highest bidders in the nightly Raffle-a-Twat tombola competition.

Mrs McSlagg Robinson is a celebrity figure around Belfast’s BD/SM fetish community and famous for her unique collection of pre-Columbian dildos and ticklers - many of Mayan origin.
Rumours are currently circulating that McSlagg has a previous criminal conviction – for being drunk and disorderly and committing a sexual offence with a 4 x 4 SUV trailer hitch in a public place.

McSlagg was affectionately described by friends as a money-grabbing menopausal maniac who was always a problem when her inflated ego surpassed what limited intellect she possessed.

The scandal-ridden and now-disgraced MP – in an attempt to avoid questioning by Belfast police officers - is currently undergoing treatment for depression at the Lord Lucan Memorial Hospital in Paraguay but has dutifully sent a Sorrygramme e-mail to the House Speaker at Stormont.