Saturday, 2 January 2010

New Year Numpty News Roundup

A Smegmadale-on-Sea woman was arrested earlier today when she attempted to purchase bottled chemicals from Boots Pharmacy – the innocuous type normally used to shampoo hair, clean teeth and ease haemorrhoid itching - that, when mixed together in the correct alchemical quantities – preferably in an airline toilet at 35,000 feet – could possibly reach a critical mass state - causing an explosive chain reaction a thousand times more powerful than Mossad’s false flag micro-nuke bombing of the Sari Club in Bali in 2002.

The 96-year grandma, who must remain nameless under provisions of the 2008 Extraordinary Rendition Act (Mrs. Rita Scrunt) had apparently been under MI6 surveillance for some months and has known links to Yemeni-born al Qaeda operatives working in a local Pound Stretcher shop.

The woman was pinpointed by local council Community Enforcement Snitches last year as a potential ‘domestic terrorist’ when CES officers were forced to caution her over dumping empty milk bottles in the blue and green wheelie bins instead of the black or grey issue – to which she had apparently dared to answer back and declare “It’s not my fuckin’ fault – I’m colour blind, yer stupid gits.”

Being abusive to council officers from the UK’s PFI Renta-Bully and Thugs-4-Hire agencies is now a criminal offence since the Yobs, Chavs & Scallies Anti-Social Behaviour Act came into force last year.
A first offence conviction can carry up to five years imprisonment in one of the E-USSR’s legion of new ‘re-education’ camps - based in Uzbekistan.
A 0600 hours opening for the Boxing Day sales at Mamon & Pukesford’s department store in Manchester prompted an all-out stampede of bargain hunters hell bent on running their credit card limits to the max’ – accompanied by hordes of homeless pikey shoplifters - who careened and stomped up and down escalators buying – and stealing - any old tat that wasn’t screwed down - initiating a violent seismic event that caused the collapse of larges sections of the ceiling panels which fell on the grasping shoppers – killing several and injuring scores more.

While it took City centre emergency services over an hour to arrive on the scene with hot tea, digestive biscuits and body bags, an entire legion of ravenous personal injury lawyers had picked up news of the disaster on the Twatter social communications network and turned up at the store kitted out with cameras, micro-recorders and armfuls of ‘no win-no fee’ contracts.

Mamon & Pukesford’s PR consultant Fellattia Gamarouche confided to a reporter from the Ambulance Chaser’s Gazette “I hope to fuck the store’s insurance policies are all paid up to date.”
A free NHS quit-smoking kit has been launched, as a recent survey undertaken by the government’s Ministry for Wasting Time & Money shows almost half of smokers in England have resolved to 'give up' in the New Year as they can no longer afford the exorbitant rate of customs and excise duty Chancellor Darling has levied on their ciggies and tobacco.

The ‘Quit the Shit’ kit, contains calming audio downloads from the Ravi Maharishi’s latest rap album, a cuddly stress toy to punch and strangle, and a tool to help smokers work out how much money they are saving by quitting – traditionally referred to as a notepad and pencil.

The NHS was planning to release a series of television adverts to accompany the kits, showing children singing the song “I'll do anything fer a few quid” from the hit Dickensian era musical ‘Oliver’ and posing the question: 'If they'd do that, why won't you give up smoking?"

However following various objections from Candida Pustule - head of the killjoy Independent Safeguarding Authority - and Dr Chlamydia Muffrot of the Common Purpose social engineering / brainwashing charity organisation - the “I’d do anything’ lyric has been deemed to illustrate a vehicle that might well serve to encourage the corruption of minors and present an open invitation for pederasts to interpret said lyric as “I’d do anything for a smoke” – and solicit vulnerable children into kiddie fiddling prostitution scenarios with packs of cigarettes.

Conversely the UK’s Jobcentre Plus unemployment agency told Pox News they foresee anything over a 30% success rate with the ‘Quit the Shit’ kits dooming several thousand hapless workers to a Happy New Year fate of redundancy at Imperial Tobacco when the company declare themselves insolvent and bankrupt due falling sales.
The Marquis de Sade’s – a central London restaurant - insisted that Xmas lunchtime diners sign an indemnity form before eating their house specialty ‘Russian Roulette’ Christmas puddings, some of which contained priceless Elizabethan silver three-penny bits while others were loaded with shards of broken glass, snippets of barbed wire and razor blades.

Some 350 diners attending their annual ‘Self-Harmers Society’ Christmas party at de Sade’s restaurant signed the waiver before tucking into their traditional Yuletide desserts, which contained the silver coins – and other booby trap items.

It read: "I absolve the Marquis de Sade Restaurant from blame should I come to harm - including a chipped tooth, lacerated carotid artery, severed tongue - or any injury as a result of swallowing something nasty."

Restaurant owner Frank Eichmann told Fux News it had "created a bit of a stir with his masochistic customers. I thought it was going to be a pain – no pun intended there - but decided to do it to cover me own arse.”

Numerous customers appreciated the grim paradox of the gamble and saw the funny side – most taking a photocopy of their indemnity forms with them to the local A & E Clinic in the ambulance after suffering massive oral and digestive tract lacerations.
Police officers searching for a breed of exotic tropical snakes stolen in a raid on the ‘Extraordinary Rendition’ section of the Bellmarsh Immigration Prison have issued a fresh warning to the public and those responsible for the theft.

The top security prison, known as Britain’s ‘Guantanamo Bay’ due its population of VDP (very dodgy pikey) immigrants and Jolly Jihadi suspect terrorist types, apparently keeps a stock of flying tree serpents for ‘snake boarding’ prisoners during interrogations – with said snakes being nicked from the prison’s vivarium sometime on Christmas Day – suspiciously following the Queen’s speech.

PO Ghengis McTwatt told a reporter from the Missing Reptile Weekly "Several lines of inquiries have been pursued over the past couple of days, but the whereabouts of our snakes is yet to be determined."
McTwatt added: "Flying tree snakes are very rare around Greenwich and we do not believe the rumour that snakes flew off to warmer climates due the current cold snap.”
“It’s more than likely some of our heathen Saracen inmates have eaten them.”

The snakes were described as having bright green wings, a dandy-grey russet chequered skin - and reptilian eyes.

PO McTwatt concluded "The NHS advises that if you are bitten by one of our flying tree snakes you should dial 999, speak to ‘Undertaker Assistance’ and request a coffin."
Armed officers from the Met’s SO15 anti-terrorist squad have been searching a number of council slums around the Skidrow Hamlets area of London after a suntanned foreign type person was charged with trying to blow up a Northwest Airlines Airbus A330 flying from Amsterdam to Detroit with – wait for it – a 'Crotch Bomb’, no less. Now that has got to be the hard road to martyrdom.

Nigerian national Mr Umar Farouk Abdulla Muttonstew is reported to have boarded KLM Flight 588 in Lagos, bound for Amsterdam. There he connected to a Northwest Airlines Flight 253 heading for Detroit.

According to US Homeland Security thugs the 23-year old Muttonstew is alleged to have given his long socks, jockey shorts and Jimmy Choo Choo designer denims a pre-flight overnight soaking in a bucket of highly inflammable Yemeni brand of dog shampoo and was flying from Holland to the United States to attend a religious ceremony – specifically his own funeral.

Mr Muttonstew is said to have been a student at University College London between 2005 and 2008 where he studied Advanced Embezzlement to qualify him to pursue a career implementing 419 scams.
However Whitehall sources claim he was refused permission to return by the UK Border Agency after attempting to pass himself off as a Brazilian electrician.

Meanwhile, in Detroit a federal judge has formally charged Umar Muttonstew with attempting to destroy a Northwest Airlines aircraft on Christmas Day by setting fire to his underpants and socks.

The hearing took place in Mr Muttonstew 's hospital room at the Mount Michigan Jolly Jihad Terrorist Clinic where he is being treated for third degree burns to his right leg and a badly scorched scrotum.

An affidavit filed in support of the charge stated: "As the flight was approaching Detroit Metropolitan Airport, Umar Muttonstew prodded the woman sat next to him and declared “Hey bitch, I hates yo’ Democratic freedoms, so cop for dis” – then set fire to his socks.

The woman, who happened to be the lead singer from the hit parade girlie band Gladys Gorgon & the Slaggs, told Fux News “I thought this guy was a bit of a nutty sexual exhibitionist type as he stands up and drops his pants – but instead of pulling out his plonker he set his socks and skiddies on fire.”

Umar Muttonstew is rumoured to have been on the radar of the British intelligence forces but due the normal sad state of communications between the UK and US ‘intelligence services’ - wanting to keep their own information ‘a secret’ – the Nigerian was not on any US no-fly list.

This near-miss incident has now prompted Gordon ‘Culpability’ Brown’s Stalinist Ministry of Scaremongering to post the question on its running dog sycophantic BBC news website: “Should Airport Security Get Tougher?”

Well, the simple answer is: absolutely. If we’re to face legions of brainwashed radicalised Muslim patsies flying around on cheapo DIY false flag missions for the New World Order commissars and trying to set fire to their own bollocks – or their trainers – or blow up the plane’s bog with Head n Shoulders anti-dandruff shampoo – simply to provide an excuse for the US to invade Yemen and steal their oil - then it’s high time only the pilot and cabin crew are allowed on planes and the public take the bus – or sail – like everyone did before aeroplanes – and terrorism - were invented and we all went around the globe on big ships – like the Titanic – until that got its arse sunk by some Zionist Jewish terrorist called Iceberg.
Police were summoned to the Smegmadale-on-Sea branch of a Greedy Grocer supermarket after an altercation at a check-out counter erupted into a sectarian race riot when a hijab-clad Muslim cashier refused to touch one customer’s shopping due her having two packs of Percy Pig sausages, a carton of Uncle Porky smoked bacon, several tins of Spam and a leg of roast ham in her trolley.

Ms. Fatima al Twatte declared that to touch the ‘unclean’ shopping was ‘haram’ – against her religion - and the woman should go to another check-out counter where one of the Gentile infidel cashiers would deal with her disgusting heathen purchases.

The customer, Mrs. Glenda Scrunt, told a reporter from the Discrimination Gazette “Wot’s this bitch workin’ here for if her numpty faith sez she can’t touch anything’ to do wiv pigs?”

Conversely Ms. al Twatte responded that it was anathema to her to even touch anything to do with a pig – and elaborated by relating “It would be like me sucking on an uncircumcised cock – tasty perhaps but very haram.”

Ms. Chlamydia Mufrot, a PR spokeswoman for the Greedy Grocer chain told Pox News “We are planning to open a series of ‘No Pork’ check out counters at all our branches across the UK to comply with new EUSSR legislation regarding discriminatory practices offending ethnic minorities in the workforce.”

“Obviously this will then have to be followed by ‘No Beef’ sections to appease our Hindu cashiers, ‘No Meats or Fish’ so as not to offend any Buddhist cashier’s sensibilities, ‘No Eggs’ to suit our Vegan check-out staff – and definitely a ‘No Booze’ section for the Methodist and temperance Church of Latter Day Morons members of staff.”

“Hopefully we don’t have any Scientologists working for us as I simply cannot imagine what their Grand Thetan's moral code and dietary restrictions might entail.”
Hypocrisy is once again the order of the day around Shitehall. On the one hand we have Foreign Secretary David Millipede taking every available – and too concocted – opportunity to get into a spot of major shit-stirring to make Iran look bad on every front and receive a ‘good dog’ pat on the head from his Zionist Jewish masters.

Meanwhile the entire New Labour political machine is castigating China for it’s lack of Yuletide seasonal compassion for executing a convicted British heroin smuggler because he’s apparently ‘not a full shilling’ and didn’t grant him clemency or a full reprieve so he could be home in London for the Xmas holidays.

Conversely the Foreign Office – and too the entire British judicial systems lard-arsed bureaucrats – while going over board concerning Beijing’s ‘terminal’ treatment of Akmal Saikkh for smuggling a mere 4 kilos of horse into the Middle Kingdom – seem to miss the fact they’re doing their damnest to overlook any such thing resembling ‘compassion on medical grounds’ when it comes to extraditing Garry McKinnon to the good ole US of A.

McKinnon – crippled with Asperger Syndrome – has, to date, lost every possible form of appeal against the one-sided extradition treaty so he would be tried in the UK – whereas extradition to the US might result in a possible death sentence or 60 years in a max’ security Sodomite’s Paradise – what the Yanks call a prison – for the heinous crime of making Uncle Sam’s intelligence services look like a bunch of amateur cunts due his successful hacking into their top secret computer archives searching for the real X-Files and evidence on UFO’s and little green spacemen from the 10th planet - Nibiru.

Slime Minister Gordon ‘Stalin’ Brown told Fux News he was "appalled" at Akmal Saikkh’s execution by the Chinese barbarians who took no account of his medical condition - but made no mention of reflecting on the issue and kicking Home Secretary Alan Johnson’s arse to apply this same compassion and discretion to Garry McKinnon’s medical condition and squash the extradition case.

Thus once again we can observe the hypocritical application of the Labour government’s double standard rules when it comes to kissing Uncle Sam’s corrupt arse.

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