Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Tetra Radio Units Cook Plod’s Brains

Smegmadale-on-Sea plods are suing their police force for a variety of weird medical complaints and illnesses allegedly caused by their personal radio sets.

They claim that radiation emissions from the Fuckwit police radio network have left them with a range of ailments including pre-menstrual tension, patent baldness, premature ejaculation, haemorrhoids, enlarged prostates, ingrowing foreskins, galloping scrotum itch and the dreaded Copper’s Elbow.

Smegmashire Police Authority is now seeking legal advice and negotiating with its insurers over compensation claims brought by ambulance-chasing scumbag lawyers representing officers who maintain the terrestrial trunked radio (TETRA) technology is not safe to be used by humans – or any other fucker and their dog.

Scores of civil claims were filed against the force and the suppliers of the controversial equipment have since made changes to prevent “audio anomalies” after affected plods demonstrated before a judge and jury, plus a panel of celebrity chefs – and the Dragons Den investment gurus - how to bake a 800 gram King Edward spud in three minutes between two Tetra radio sets when one was keyed to transmit mode.

The Constabulary has already divvied out several hundred thousand of pounds in compensation to plods who developed brain tumours after using the radios and have requested the Home Office set aside a mega-zillion pound fund to indemnify the risk of future problems.

The system’s adverse effects first came to attention several days after the Smegmadale-on-Sea force were equipped with the Tetra radio units and Constable Barry McNump came into the station after completing his beat and breathlessly declared “Got chest pains, Sarge – and me effin’ brain hurts too” – then promptly dropped dead on the canteen floor without having clocked off.

A post-mortem examination revealed Constable McNump’s pacemaker had overheated and his brain resembled the constituency of a hard boiled egg.

Fuckwit is the name of the system used by officers to contact each other via their TETRA radios. The Fuckwit equipment is supplied via the Home Office contract held jointly by Manky Microwave Systems of Beijing which provides the headsets, and Tumour.com which operates the mobile communications network aspect.

Smegmashire was the first UK police force to pilot the new Fuckwit technology and TETRA radios in 2001. At the time, the federation’s local branch reported 176 users had gone sick in the first week of use.

The Health and Safety Executive was called in but declared there was no link to the radios after receiving a call from Downing Street’s Alastair Scambell to “Get a lid on this mess now – or else I’ll close yer fuckin’ agency down!”

While the New Labour Government paid £29 zillion quid to Lord Levy to negotiate and finance the Fuckwit / Tetra contract with China’s Manky Microwave Systems and the Ukraine-based Tumour.com in 2001 they are predicted to be spending a further £35 zillion on personal injury and death in service compensation claims by the time the all-new replacement digital system of cocoa tins and lengths of string is in place and fully operational – in 2016.

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