Friday, 1 January 2010

New Year 2009 – 2010: Same Old Shit

Millions of binge-drinking revellers around the UK are expected to gather in bollocks-deep snow with temperatures well below freezing at midnight, and welcome in the New Year by getting frostbite – or preferably pneumonia - so they can sign on the sick and grab an extra week or so holiday.

Astrologers are on the ball, predicting 2010 will be even more fucked up than the old year - with further mass company bankruptcies, plus mortgage foreclosures and house repossessions swelling the ranks of families living in bus shelters, wheelie bins and down badger sets.

They further forecast a surge of Happy New Year redundancies will boost unemployment – with jobless peasant numbers rising to figures not seen since Noah’s Ark was launched and the Great Wall of China completed.

One particular Albanian pikey crystal ball scryer going by the unlikely moniker of ‘Evil-Eye Alice’, chucked a spanner in the global warming / carbon cap n trade exchange works by prophesying the Sun is entering a placid cycle and the northern hemisphere’s current frigid temperatures will continue well into what used to be called ‘Spring’.

Thousands are expected in Stonehaven on the east coast of Scotland for the annual fireballs festival, which has been held since the Romans pissed off back to Italy.
This involves setting alight hedgehogs that have been soaked in high-octane porridge for several days then rolling them down the steep Stonehaven High Street and into the front door of the police station.

London’s Metropolitan Plod Squad urged those heading for Westminster to watch the ritual New Year's Eve burning of MP’s dodgy expense claims on the House of Conmans lawn to wear asbestos gloves if they fancied gathering incriminating evidence of their dodgy member's financial peculations.

Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense told Fux News that London's firework display would be far better to watch than the Israeli’s white phosphorous artillery shells exploding over downtown Gaza – and further serve to show the world that "the most exciting city on Earth" (London?) is looking forward to the future with "optimism and energy". Hmmm, thanks for that little gem Boris.

Pyrotechnic displays will take place in many war zones around the world, with 5,000 kilos of explosives set to be used by the Taliban Dan Gang in Kabul when they blow up Hamid Kami-Karzai’s presidential palace at midnight on the dot.

New Year's Eve this year will also see a rare blue moon - the second full moon in a month - which Homeland Security have assured the media is nothing to do with al Qaeda or lunar terrorist attacks.

US President Barky O’Barmy has promised to deliver a Happy New Year message to the Taliban - from the Project for a New American Century neo-cons- by commissioning a series of Predator drone missile strikes on Afghanistan civilian targets to let them know 2010 is going to be more of the same.

Midnight mass suicides are planned across Japan by hordes of manically depressed salary men who joined the Who-Gives-A-Flying-Fuck doomsday religious cult after being made redundant in 2009.
They plan to commit ritual seppuku with Pound Stretcher box cutters to emphasise their plight in seeking honourable deaths by the fact they can’t even afford a sword.

Apart from the one Brit’ they snuffed a couple of days ago - once he’d opened his Christmas presents - Beijing’s fat cat bureaucrats have been saving up their condemned prisoners for months and are planning a mammoth ‘Public Executions Sadist’s Delight Extravaganza’ that will be televised live on Sky Sports starting on the stroke of midnight (1600 hours GMT).

Pursuing their usual one-upmanship maxim China will be set to outdo the Occidental foreign devil’s New Year celebratory displays by carrying out ‘traditional style’ capital punishments such as the ultra-painful ‘Death of a Thousand Cuts’, followed by rounds of impaling, crucifixion, garrotting, boiling in oil, and hanging.

All harvested organs will be donated to the Beijing-based ‘Happy Transplant Clinic’ charity.

So if you’re depressed from being unemployed and are likely to end up joining the ranks of the homeless in 2010, why fuck around and suffer?
Take advantage of your local council’s E&E (Eugenics and Euthanasia) free offer to slash welfare payments and reduce the population.
Simply fill out an online form, download your air tickets and a Felo-de-Se Clinic reservation voucher, jump on a freebie flight to Switzerland and have yourself a Happy New Assisted Suicide.

Regardless of the above cynicism, a Happy, Healthy & Prosperous New Year from Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist lobby.

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