Sunday, 3 January 2010

Allah and Christ – Best of Mates

In a last ditch attempt to avert the outbreak of a latter day religious Crusade or a local Jihad, Malaysia’s Ministry for Numpty Issues has directed the High Court to hand down a ruling that Christians have a constitutional right to use the name Allah when referring to their Omnipotent Deity - who is apparently simply known by the single syllable moniker of ‘God’.

The High Court announced that a previous government ban on non-Muslims using the name ‘Allah’ was unconstitutional – thus settling a lawsuit filed by the Kuala Lumpur-based 'Jesus Crust Church of Latter Day Bakers'.

The pro-Islamic government authorities had insisted that Allah was an Islamic name which could only be used by Muslims – and definitely not for naming dogs, cats, hamsters, goldfish or guinea pigs.

This controversy was sparked by paranoid Muslim groups in 2007 who suspected the Jesus Crust Church was seeking to encourage Muslims to convert to Christianity - a move which is illegal in Malaysia and carries a penalty of crucifixion and 200 hours community service.

The issue had become a symbol of a growing number of religious grievances among marginalised minority groups, in a political environment dominated by geriatric tribal oligarchs from the dominant Muslim population – specifically the Sultan of Johore - Mahmud Iskandar – who evolved a distasteful unsocial habit of beating Christians to death with a golf club.

While the entire 100% of Malaysia’s superstitious population are closet animists, more than 50% are also devout-ish Muslims who enjoy an occasional drink and the odd bag of pork scratchings - but many ethnic Malays and the large Chinese and Indian communities consist of Christians, Buddhists, Hindus and Pancake Tuesday Adventists.

Meanwhile across on the African continent Senegal's President Dogrot Jaffacake has apologised to the Christian minority for comparing a controversial statue of Allah to Jesus Christ.

The Archbishop of Dakar – Fr. Pyjama Pants O’Dinga - told a reporter from the Heretics Gazette that President Jaffacake’s comments had "humiliated" Catholics, leading to angry protests by hundreds of Christian youths in the capital, who were driven to frenzy and riot – then ran amok and torched a downtown shopping mall resulting in a blazing conflagration that levelled three city blocks – causing an estimated £15 quid’s worth of damages.

Pres’ Jaffacake made the comments after a cadre of incontinent Imams condemned the £14 million North Korean-built "African Renaissance" statue as idolatrous and a waste of money – even if it was bigger than the Statue of Liberty.
“Hey, no shit mon, all I says was “Well, fuck me drunk – don’t de statue of Allah look jest like de one of Jesus in de Cathedral – maybe dey am related like ya know – soul brothers.”

Archbishop O’Dinga told Pox News: "We were shaken and humiliated by the comparison which our shit-for-brains head of state made between Allah being the spirit of African renaissance and the representations of Jesus Christ found in our churches."

Political and business oligarchs who bankroll President Jaffacake have called on him to engage brain before opening mouth in future before he kick starts a sectarian civil war and causes their highly profitable illicit conflict diamond trade and drug smuggling operations to go tits up.

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