Slackwater / Xe Get Away With Murder

A split-arsed United States federal judge has dismissed all charges against five guards from US security firm Slackwater / Xe over the killing of 17 Iraqis in 2007.

The five mercenaries, contracted to defend the CIA’s drug smuggling personnel, were accused of opening fire on a crowd of shoppers in the Baghdad branch of the Jolly Jihad Shopping Mall.

District Judge Miriam Scumberg told the court the US justice department had used evidence civilian prosecutors were not supposed to have access to – specifically materials relating to 'the Truth' that were considered a direct threat to National Security: one confession and the eye witness statements of 300 Iraqis and foreign journalists.

All five Slackwater / Xe thugs had pleaded not guilty to minor acts of genocide, ethnic cleansing, murder, manslaughter, breach of the peace, causing an affray, and parking in a restricted 'disabled only' zone.
A sixth member of the mercenary team admitted killing at least one Iraqi – who was apparently armed with a coathanger.

The killings, which took place during Ramadan, when is it haram (forbidden) to murder people – even the enemy – between dawn and dusk – caused a scandalous diplomatic incident with the Iraqi Foreign Office accusing the US State Department of hiring trigger happy gung ho yobs and scallies to do their dirty work.

Seymour Weaselstein, the attorney acting for the five guards, informed a reporter from the Warmonger’s Gazette that his clients were acting in self-defence when they were attacked by a gang of schoolchildren armed with sticks of rhubarb.

Conversely witnesses and family members of those killed maintain that the shooting spree initiated by the Slackwater grunts on 16 September 2007 was unprovoked and they arrived at the Jolly Jihad Shopping Mall popping speed and swigging on cans of Dancing Camel lager – and brandishing automatic weapons.

The disputed evidence tossed out by Judge Scumberg related directly to statements taken from eyewitnesses - including foreign journalists and diplomats – who saw the Slackwater goon’s murderous rampage.

Judge Scumberg ruled that as all the statements were taken in Iraq they had no legal standing in a US court – especially since the 300 witnesses were apparently now dead – reportedly victims of al Qaeda Predator drone missile attacks and accidental friendly fire incidents – with scores succumbing to the effects of their Sneezy Pig ‘Grunt Gone’ swine flu vaccinations last Autumn.

The five guards were identified as Hymie Scumberg, Seymore Scumberg, Moshe Scrunt, Lucifer von Twatt and Natty Rothshite - all of whom are decorated military veterans from their Israeli Defence Force 'Al Sadista' training days and earlier false flag bombing and sniper actions around Oklahoma City, Washington and Colombine.

A sixth Slackwater / Xe employee, Judas Fuckwit, had agreed to a plea bargain deal in return for testifying against his colleagues, but was unfortunately struck by an attack of conscience over his decision to snitch on his buddies and took his own life on the first day of the trial - by stabbing himself in the back 27 times.
Judge Scumberg commented to the court that it was the most determined case of suicide she had ever come across.

As well as the 17 counts of first degree murder, they had faced a further 20 counts of attempted manslaughter and one count of using a machine gun to commit a crime of violence - a charge that carries a mandatory 100 hour community service order sentence.

Attorney Weaselstein told Fux News the goons were thrilled by Auntie Miriam’s ruling as they could now return to Iraq – or Afghanistan - and kill even more hapless heathen peasants with impunity.