Saturday, 9 January 2010

‘Online Dating’ Website Shitcans ‘Uglies’

The narcissistic dating and social network site has been forced to give the arse to over 5,000 members following complaints they had gained weight and got uglier over the Christmas holidays.

The so-called ‘festive fatties’ were kicked off Perfect Prats for losing their looks or putting on a ‘few pounds too many’ after slopping down naughty extra helpings of Xmas yummies and swigging their favourite tipple to excess over the holiday season.

Fellattia Quasimodo, spokeswoman for the site, which has a mandatory ban on ‘ugly twats’, told a reporter from the Mutants Gazette they had disenfranchised more than 5,000 members from around the world who had put on weight over Christmas.

Most of the former Perfect Prats were expelled from the US chapter – where they’d all been celebrating the Christmas Day capture of this week’s favourite Anti-Christ pin up – the Nigerian-born al Qaeda terrorist pasty Umar Muttonleg – and the fact Uncle Sam was ready n raring to invade the Yemen – and probably Nigeria as well since their elected leader seems to have conveniently disappeared while undergoing medical treatment in Saudi Arabia.

De-listed member Billy Bob Scrotum from Redneck County, Louisiana, told Pox News “Hellfire, some of us patriotic members jest got into a bit of a shindig and a yee-ha over the good news the Pentagon boys are gonna kick even more evil Ayrab ass.”
“This Kenyan Pres’ Obama guy that got done elected is the bee’s knees at findin’ enemies fer us to fight – God bless America.”

Excuses for binge drinking – and eating – aside, according to Perfect, "vigilant staff and website monitors" called for drastic action after shit-for-brains members posted photos of themselves or appeared on webcam clips celebrating at Christmas and New Year parties – inadvertantly revealing they had "let themselves go".

One Perfect Prats monitor - Feral Beryl the Bulima Kid – along with her dyke sidekick Anorexia Annie – spoke to Fux News, relating “We saw them posting all kinds of real bad pix and webcam footage of themselves bingeing out – so we enforced the ruling that they had to match their original acceptance criteria – slim n so-so good looking.”
“We’re after lean, mean fighting machines – not Homer Simpson porkies or guys and gals with eczema and spotty asses – or chlamydia and dandruff.”

"Letting fatties roam the site is a direct threat to our business model and the very concept for which Perfect was founded."
“Perfect Prats, remember that – not Fatcunts R Us or Ugly”

The website only allows entry to new members if existing members vote them as sufficiently attractive to warrant it – and this regulation also applies to continuation of membership – although website staff freely admitted an exception was made for the pox-ridden celebrity socialite Skidrow Hotels chain heiress - Paris Stilton.

Conversely this ruling didn’t apply to impresario coxcomb Simon Cowell whose membership application was rejected on the grounds of ‘too much Botox and orange spray tan’ – and ‘being an all-round nasty cunt’.

However the site is unrepentant about its selection process, referring to itself as ‘the largest network of attractive people in the world’.
This egocentric pronouncement prompted hackers to add –“with their heads shoved so far up their own arseholes they can’t see daylight or look in a mirror.”

According to the site, managers have been kind in breaking the news to barred members, with each having received an e mail encouraging them to re-apply when they are back to looking their best afer a few sessions at the AA or a liposuction clinic.

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