Thursday, 7 January 2010

SA’s Zuma to Marry Schoolgirl

South Africa's poison dwarf President Jacob Zuma recently announced plans to marry his fifteenth wife – while hypocritically lecturing the Parliamentary assembly on his personal virtues, the sanctity of marriage, and his illusionary drive to establish an honest government to replace the current ruling Kleptocracy.

With a past history mired with scandals of graft and corruption - and ordering his political opponents snuffed - the lard-arsed Zuma is not considered - in polite social circles – to represent the ideal role model to sermonise on the merits of moral rectitude.
Likewise, the Cape’s premier gutter press tabloid, The Daily Shitraker, often refers to him as ‘that thieving Bantu twat’.

However, senior figures such as Rastus Ibn Himar from the ruling ANC, Kess Emakk of the trade union movement and Umak Ghaban of the South African Corruption Party are expected to attend the mega-Rand wedding ceremony alongside other associate career criminals, scumbags, scallies and general miscreants from around the basket-case African continent – with the totally bonkers Libyan autocrat - Colonel Muammar Gadaffi - vying to give away the bride and convert her to Islam.

The obese Zuma, a miniature Zulu from the Short-Arsed tribe, was meant to marry his 12-year old fiancée Fellattia Adobe Mingerot last year but the wedding was postponed until he could assemble the demanded ilobolo (dowry) of 12 leopard tails, 6 gorilla’s foreskins, an elephant’s trunk, a giraffe’s front teeth, Channel 4’s talking Dr. Meerkat and an autographed photo of Churchill - the insurance sales hound.

Political critics claim Zuma's upholding of the traditional Zulu practice of polygamy has really pissed off a great many South Africans – of the black, pink and brown varieties – who took exception in 2007 when Zuma’s good buddy – the ex-witch doctor Reverend Silas Chuckabutty – founded his controversial Church of Latter Day Bigamists and the President was first to acclaim the new religion and join its congregation.

(Sanusi Chuckabutty was banished from the ruling inner circle of Zulu elders when his much vaunted 2003 ‘rain dance’ materialised a plague of locusts and he was further held responsible for it causing the ensuing three years of drought)

Zuma, noted for his congenital habit of treating women like cattle, married his first wife Sizzling Kumalot, in 1990, and the fourteenth missus - Nautilus Crocodile - two years ago, maintaining what he claims to be his Shaka Zulu ancestor’s tradition of ‘getting some fresh pussy every year to ensure a good baby crop and maintain the Zuma dynasty’.

According to the official announcement on the ANC’s website: "The traditional wedding of President Jacob Zuma and Fellattia Mingerot tomorrow, 4 January, is a private family ceremony but all wedding presents will be gratefully accepted and can be deposited in de President’s Credit Suisse bank account in Zurich."

South African media are now speculating on rumours that Zuma confided to his inner circle of sycophants and arse-licking cronies that his ‘older’ wives are getting past their shelf lives and use-by dates and might just need ‘recycling’.

Zuma-watchers may well recall his number 7 wife, Mama Gamarouch Zeenat, was tragically killed in 2000 when she was accidentally shot in the back of the head while wife number 3 - Isibumbhu Sharmuta – was shampooing her hair.

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