Saturday, 30 January 2010

Why Your TV Licence Fee is Astronomical

The BBC Trust chairman, Sir Sheldon Weaselberg, claimed more than £33,000 on expenses in the six months to the end of March, including £1,260 on a ‘disco lap dancing limousine’ ride home from London to Birmingham after last year's televised Strictly Come Thieving awards.

In total, 13 BBC trustees claimed £78,394 on dodgy expenses in the six months to the end of March – an increase of some £75,000 from the previous year.

The trustees spent almost £30,000 on accommodation, £14,593 on cabs and "long distance luxury limo’s", £18,754 on first class RattleTrack rail travel and £8,327 on ice cream, condoms and pirate copy DVD’s.

Weaselberg's expenses were the biggest by far, coming to £33,567. Of that figure, £14,567 was paid to the Albanian-run ‘Rub n Tug Limo Service’ of Soho, and £19,116 on other other nefarious expenses including almost £10,000 on visiting massage services and male prostitutes from the elite ‘Catamite Agency’.

Weaselberg also shared a £10,445 bill for a Christmas drinks reception jointly hosted with the BBC director general, Mark van der Kuntt, for "invited external guests and stakeholders". The rowdy piss-up and tit-ogling session staged on the 10th December last year was held at the BBC’s Scumbag House headquarters in central London.

Previously CEO of the City’s prestigious ‘Embezzlers SA’ hedge fund which went bankrupt during the collaspse of the chaotic financial markets last year, earning him a mega-bucks golden handshake, Weaselberg told a reporter from the Fiddlers Gazette “Well, if our MP’s can get away with their fraudulent expenses, why can’t we?”

“I mean to say, what is wrong with me buying a £300 designer exercise wheel for my pet hamster when Sir Peter Sniggers MP can have a taxpayer-funded duck island with gazebo built in his back garden pond for Titch and Quackers.”

However the hordes of unwashed common peasants that comprise the British public have taken umbridge and are questioning why their exorbitant TV licence fees - which primarily fund the BBC – are being squandered by hedonistic moochers like Weaselberg – whom they view as a part of that percentage of the silver spoon elitist fraternity that uses far more than it needs to live at a higher standard than those they are stealing from.

Bazzer McTwat, head of the public oversight body ‘Scumwatch’ told a reporter from Fux News “BBC Trust my effin’ arse – how can yer ‘Trust’ a light-fingered git like Weaselberg?”

“Once again here we are presented with several examples of their shameless and absurd sense of entitlement of dipping their greedy paws into the taxpaying general public’s proletariat purse.”

“It’s no effin’ wonder the Beeb can’t afford to produce any quality documentaries or plays anymore and we ‘re all stuck watchin’ re-hashed crap from the 1960’s if these so-called ‘Trust’ leeches are bleedin’ them dry.”

The ‘untrustable’ trustee with the next biggest expenses claim was Alison Hoggitt with £12,762, followed by Jeremy Filch-Perks with £11,654, and Janet Leigh Pilfering with £10,806.

Sir Dermot Numpty clocked in as the most frugal, claiming just £42 for inner tubes, a rear tyre and puncture repair vulcanising patches for his push bike which he used as transport to facilitate his BBC Trust duties around the countryside.

Hmmm, just what Diogenes went searching for in vain – an honest man.

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