Monday, 4 January 2010

UK’s Longest New Year Party Ends

Patrons celebrating New Year at the highest pub in England enjoyed an extended piss up after heavy snowfall left them stranded in the boozer for three days.

Thirty visitors were making merry and knocking back pints of Bitch Thumper lager and Old Headbanger ale in the Druid’s Minge Tavern atop Smegmadale Tor on New Year's Eve to welcome 2010 – totally unaware that several feet of snow had fallen outside in the run up to mid-night – closing the A666 and the Sheep Shaggers Pass between North Kuntford and Slagfield with seven foot deep snow drifts caused by freezing winds.

The Druid’s Minge stands 1,700 feet (520 metres) above sea level in the Smegmashire Dales and is a popular destination during the summer months due the location of its rear beer garden's Voyeurs View overlooking the scenic valley and meandering River Slug below – and the infamous Dogger’s Wood car park some 150 meters distant.

Pub landlord Ghengis McTwat told Fux News “It were all okay until we ran outa bottled gas an’ the power went off – an’ the jukebox shit itself.”

“No big deal as we chopped up the tables an’ chairs ter burn in the Inglenook fireplace an’ keep ourselves warm. The problem arose two days ago when we ran outa peanuts then crisps and pork scratchings an’ some daft bugger mentioned that there film ‘Alive’ where this bunch of blokes gets stranded on a mountain in the Andes in thick snow an’ they’ve got nowt ter eat – so they get ter munchin’ on their mates.”

“Well, every fucker an’ his dog starts lookin’ over at Toby – the only gay around Smegmadale Tor – little fat sod – an’ lickin’ their lips thinkin’ how tasty he might be in a few days if they got the tummy rumbles an’ starvation started kickin’ in.”

“Next thing Toby jumps up, straps a coupla squash rackets to his feet like, gets his Michelin Man coat on an’ gives us all the finger as he heads for the door – shoutin’ over his shoulder “Fuck you lot – I’m off down ter the shed at Dogger’s Wood an’ find meself a nice warm sheep ter cuddle up ter.”

“Anyways, we all has a bit of a good laugh and then like the Bible’s Gospel of St. Matthew reckons - “Man canna live by bread alone” – we pulled a few more pints as the beer cellar were stocked to the ceiling’ an' got inter a bit of a binge session.”

By the time a local council snow plough and gritter cleared a path to the pub this morning the merry-makers had gone into terminal hangover mode with the only brew remaining in the cellar being 12% ABV Black Pig Sweat draught ale – normally used as a preservative for painting the car park fence.

An application by the Druid’s Minge Tavern landlord – Ghengis McTwat – to have the extended bender entered into the prestigious Guinness Book of World Records was turned down as a New Year party at the Mobsapiss Brewery in Splunk, Eastern Siberia, that kicked off in 1997 - and has been snowed in since - is still going on.

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