Saturday, 23 January 2010

Prince William Meets the Antipodeans

Prince William has been kept ‘officially busy’ and out of London’s nocturnal fleshpots this past couple of weeks due running errands for his Granny down-under - and enjoying a right Royal Mooching session to boot.

Kicking off his grand tour in New Zealand, the future king participated in rounds of traditional Maori snotty nose-rubbing Hongis – and too several Hangi’s (pit barbeques) served up with helpings of the suspicious-sounding ‘fairy bread’ – then mingled with the slack-jawed multitudes of IQ-deficient spectators - patting legions of ethnic minority peasants on the head and asking them “Have you come far?”

One cheeky reporter from Christchurch’s Daily Shitraker gutter press news tabloid shouted “Hey matey, is it right you’re the effin’ Anti-Christ?” - to which the Prince just smiled - and threw him the Evil Eye and the Horns of Satan.

Then young Prince Willy was off to pastures new - on the cadge and glad-handing around Aussie.
His three-day trip to Australia included visits to an outback ranch where he donned a pair of wellies and became a member of the Antipodean Sheepshaggers Society.

During a visit to Sydney's Royal Botanic Gardens – where a roast emu barbie was held in his honour - the Prince, alike his numpty father Charlie, chatted with several exotic potted plants and enjoyed a few intimate private moments fondling a koala bear.

However a visit to Holdsworthy Army Base near Sydney appears to have been the publicity highlight to the Prince’s Aussie tour.

Wills, in the true Royal tradition, being a congenital bloodthirsty homicidal maniac - a character trait inherited from his Greek grandfather Phillip - was invited to demonstrate his ‘killer instinct’ and marksmanship at the Airborne Dingbat Brigade’s shooting range – much to the delight of accompanying news hacks who later sang his praises as a ‘Master Sniper’

Commenting on the Prince’s marksmanship, Colonel Rupert Lickspittle, 96, commander of #2 Toady Company, told Pox News "If we had soldiers come in and do that on their first day they would be a master rifleman of sniper quality in a couple of weeks. Young Willy’s got eyes like a shithouse rat.”
“Er - does that bit of brown-nosing qualify me for a Knighthood or a mention in the Queen’s Honours list?”

Will’s shooting skills were further praised by Australian troops who had been promised a couple of cases of cold stubbies by the Royal Equerry if they said something nice about the Prince’s performance and didn’t laugh.

Lance Corporal Bruce McBruce told Fux News “The Prince is effin’ dynamite – he hit every target we threw up at him – including the half-pissed Abo’ Bungs who can actually run like hell across the butts when yer start firing tracer rounds at them.”

Not wishing to piss on anyone’s bonfire, but of course William hit the fucking targets.
Kitted out with a Belgian FN F89 Minimi 5.56 x 45 mm bipod-mounted light machine gun – a weapon equipped with a recoilless shoulder pad, further fitted with a C79 telescopic sight and loaded with a 100-round M27 disintegrating-link belt of ammo – and a firing rate of 1,100 rounds per minute cyclic - plus an effective range of one thousand yards – how the fuck could he miss anything when firing at targets a mere fifty meters away.

Wills had the further significant advantage of not being bothered by distractions – such as the Taliban or some other annoying Muslim terrorist cunt firing back at him.

For Christ’s sake, David Blunkett could hit the fucking target with that rig and setup – even without Sadie spotting for him.

But as the Brit’s are fond of saying “Bless” – for the clot might just side-step his numpty father and be the next King.

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Allergy warning : This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and squirrel shit.

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