Spud Genius Invents the ‘Peelie Bin’

An Irish inventor, Professor Sheamus McTwat, with the direct backing of the Ministry for Wasting Time and Money, coupled with donations from the Common Purpose social engineering group, plus corporate sponsorship provided by the Wetherspoon Pub chain, has transformed the ubiquitous black wheelie bin into a mobile public toilet in a bid to stop people urinating through shop door letter boxes along south London’s night-time streets.

Persons caught short while on a pub crawl can piss into a funnel fixed to the side of the bin which channels the alcohol-loaded urine to the bin’s base, where it’s chemically treated, then distilled and recycled into a top grade brand of cheap liquor known as Alkie’s Delight – a favourite discount tipple with binge drinkers and shit-for-brains teenage types who frequent the Wetherspoon chain and can’t afford to buy Shite Lightning cider or Meths Breezers on their Jobseekers allowance.

McTwat, a Dublin-based designer, has been testing his innovative ‘Peelie Bin’ around London’s Scumdale Hamlets Sink or Swim housing estate to tackle anti-social behaviour with the hope of primarily putting a stop to yob and scally elements pissing on pensioners and disabled persons with mobility issues.

Social engineering group Common Purpose – not to be confused with the bottle-nosed dolphin rescue charity Common Porpoise – are pushing Prof. McTwat to further adapt the ‘Peelie Bin’ by installing a sit-down toilet feature to persuade drunken yobettes and pissed-up slappers to stop peeing in the gutters – or telephone boxes.

However, he feels that might simply encourage drunks to plonk their arse down and take a crap too – which would then overload the onboard chemical distillation plant.
Speaking to a reporter from the Pissheads Gazette McTwat ventured “The final recycled product is gonna taste like cheap piss anyways – we don’t want it tasting like someone’s shit in it as well.”

The inventor will be remembered as quite a regular face on TV last year when he won the consolation prize on Crapheap Challenge for his ‘automatic hedgehog peeler’ – which unfortunately saw Channel 4 inundated with complaints from ‘Spiny Norman’ loving viewers and an ‘animal cruelty’ court case filed by the RSPCA.

Sheamus’ other 'Pikey' patent designs include cat’s eyes that actually‘wink’ and ‘meow’; speed bumps that shout ‘Ouch!’ if you go over them too fast; and a series of traffic signs – each with a bird’s nestbox built into them – which brought a hysterical public response when some career wit noted that the ubiquitous pole-mounted traffic speed camera units were already roosts for the local council’s ‘spot fine’ vultures.