Friday, 8 January 2010

Al Qaeda Blow Up Shrewsbury

Twelve people were injured – with an unlucky thirteenth being a lady janitor, Mrs. Fizzy Alka Seltzer, who was blasted out of her 12th floor minaret flat and landed in the adjacent frozen canal - when a massive explosion rocked the centre of Shrewsbury yesterday morning causing the collapse of the Oasis Street mosque and minaret - and scaring the living shit out of roosting pigeons.

Roads through the Skidrowstan area of the city were sealed off as emergency services raced to the scene of the blast as soon as they had finished lunch.

The explosion caused the Islamic religious buildings on the corner of Camel Jockey Crescent and Oasis Street to collapse, leaving debris strewn across the road and half demolishing the adjacent Pigswill Pete’s Chew n Spew Halal CafĂ©.

Confusion ensued when NHS Trust paramedics arrived on the scene and went into WTF? neck-scratching mode over who had treated the blast survivors and bandaged their heads willy-nilly fashion – a misunderstanding quickly cleared up when one on-the-ball plod ventured that they were all wearing hijabs – and still in shock from getting a couple of ’just to be on the safe side’ belts from his Taser.

Fire Chief Ghengis Fuctifino told a reporter from the Shit Happens Gazette “We don’t know yet if it was a gas explosion or these dodgy twats have been mixing some kind of bomb recipe that’s turned volatile on them and gone Ka-Boom! - with a large Capital Ka.”

Police Inspector Armitage Shanks supervised the bomb disposal team and forensic specialists who gathered evidence from amongst the rubble of the mosque – informing the Daily Shitraker correspondent “There’s thousands of pairs of men’s jockey shorts strewn around – the Jimmy Choo Choo designer type – plus the same with women’s Ann Scummers knickers – which smell like they were getting treated with some high explosive chemical – or had recently been pissed in.”

“This definitely confirms our suspicions the mosque’s madrassa wasn’t only being used to radicalise disaffected young Muslims to hate our ‘Democratic freedoms’ but as a bomb factory preparing for one of al Qaeda’s stealth underwear terrorist bombing campaigns – but they fucked up royally and shot themselves in the foot first – if yer get me meaning.”

SO15 Unit armed response officers later took the Mullah of the Oasis Street mosque into custody for questioning - a radical Yemeni cleric who goes under the name of Mustaffa al Ghaban.

Ghaban was deported from Holland in 2003 and labelled by the Dutch press as the local neighbourhood Anti-Christ and ‘Darth Sith’ who was suspected of running a rhubarb smuggling ring - and being the brains behind the fatal Marmite bombing of an Amsterdam duck pond that snuffed four mallards and a mute swan.

Ghaban then travelled to the US where he attended several Homeland Security NLP seminars at their prestigious Homer Simpson Institute for Advanced Guessology.

2005 saw Ghaban lurking around Israel and up to no good in the postage stamp sized Palestinian enclaves – breaking bread with Hamas’ Gaza Gangsters, where he was spotted by crack Mossad agent Jenni Cidal and enjoyed a brief vacation as a guest at Israel’s ‘Facility 1391’ extraordinary rendition and re-education centre before being dispatched to pastures new.

Arriving in the UK last summer (sic) al Ghaban worked for some months as a guinea pig at the Tavistock Institute’s ‘Patsy Department’ – after which he signed up for a Common Purpose leadership course - suspiciously sponsored by the then head of MI6 – Sir Irwin Bogbrush.

However Ghaban was arrested by police in October and received a police caution for harassing a mock turtle, followed by a 25 hour community service order after being convicted of duck buggery - with his name being entered in the RSPCA sex offender’s register – and banned from going within 50 metres of a pet shop for five years.

When questioned at a press conference on his connection to al Ghaban, Bogbrush – now heading New Labour’s NHS Department for Tourette’s and Coprolalia - observed the new Whitehall mantra of ‘ political correctness’ and told reporters to “Fuck off eat shit and die.”

Following his arrest Shrewsbury police searched Ghaban’s Slaggsdale Road residence and uncovered an Arabic language copy of the cream of any anarchist and revolutionary’s wish list - the Wallace & Gromit Practical Manual of High Explosives.

Several DHL cartons of counterfeit Willy Foo Foo jockey shorts – impregnated with military grade horse shampoo - were discovered packed and ready to go – labelled as ‘crotch bombs – medium size – and addressed to Mossad’s False Flag Operations centres in Tel Aviv, Sana'a and Lagos.

Certain gutter press reporters living at the thin end of the information food chain are drawing attention to rumours that a MQ -1C Predator drone was spotted by Oasis Street neighbours just prior to the explosions.

Mrs. Gladys Duckfat told one journalist from the Black Op’s Gazette “Well, there I was in the back garden chattin’ ter me neighbour Hilda Slutt when I hears this aeroplane noise an’ looks up an’ sez to Hilda – “Hey Sis, it’s one of them there Predator drones like what they use ter bomb the fuck outa the raggies in Afghanistan.”

“Next thing it pops off a coupla Hellfire missiles an’ I sez to her – I reckon it’s gonna hit the Spar shop an’ the Post Office – but they went sailin’ right over the top an’ took out that stinking mosque and the noisy cunt wot’s always shoutin’ his stupid effin’ head off at all hours of the bleedin’ day an’ night.”

“Good on ‘em I sez – an’ God bless America an’ that African bloke they got runnin’ the place now since old stupid Dubya got his arse sacked an’ went back ter Texas.”

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