Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
An ex-Labour minister, who had responsibility for the government’s drugs policy, has called for all narcotics to be legally available so he doesn’t have to hang around on dark, freezing cold street corners, avoiding muggers and crack whores, when he needs a fix.
Blob Ainsworth, a former cormorant strangler and a Labour Home Office minister under Tony Bliar, informed a gaggle of gutter press hacks that successive government approaches had failed, leaving criminal gangs in control of the supply and pricing side of the hard – and soft - drugs trade.
Hence the Labour MP for Addiction-on-Sea, applying 20/20 hindsight to the problem, wants to introduce a system of strict legal regulation, with different drugs either prescribed by doctors or sold under licence by Boots Cash Chemists, Bargain Booze or Threshers.
Conversely Posh Dave Scameron’s Crime Prevention Minister, James Brokenhome, chairman of the Tory Halitosis Society, insisted that the Libservative coalition remain opposed to legalisation – claiming such was not the answer to drug control.
"Decriminalisation is a simplistic solution that fails to recognise the complexity of the problem and ignores the money, time and effort that Britain has expended on justifying the illegal invasion – and continued occupation – of Afghanistan so our troops are on top of the opium crops and heroin production and are able to keep it under tight US and British control – earning top dollar profits - and not let a bunch of scumbag Chechnyans or Turks or greasy Italian Mafia types get a foot in the door again.”
“I mean to say, it’s bad enough here already – around Europe and especially in the Netherlands and the UK – with Albanian pikeys flogging snort and crack and horse and what-have-you – to say nothing of these Rasta Man Yardie scally drug gangs who seem to have more guns than our Met police force and the army put together.”
Mr Ainsworth, who suffers from intense learning difficulties, is the most senior politician so far to publicly call for all drugs, including heroin and cocaine, to be in any way legalised as the so-called war on drugs fiasco could not be won before Hell freezes over.
"Leaving the drugs market in the hands of criminals causes huge and unnecessary harms to individuals, communities and entire countries, with the poor the hardest hit when the gang hike the price of a quick snort or a bifta around Christmas time.”
"It‘s time to replace this false war on drugs with a strict system of legal regulation, to make the world a safer, healthier place, especially for our children who under the present system will still have to sneak about back streets and alleyways looking for a dealer to get their fixes. We must take the trade away from organised criminals and hand it to the control of pharmacists so there’s no problem walking into Boots Chemists and getting your daily dose of H or snort - while cannabis could be sold at the local newsagents or tobacconists.”
Conversely the former chief constable of the Chigley police force, Ron Fuctifino, reacted to Blob Ainsworth’s announcement in the House of Conmans and told reporters that something had to change.
“Chigley an’ Trumpton’s become right little criminal havens since the Serbian mafia moved in – hard drugs an’ sex slave prostitution – with PC McGarry copping for his lot in a gunfight with a gang of pikeys at a weed factory last week. Captain Snort’s got his arse fired for substance abuse – an’ allowing Camberwick Green to get labelled with the disreputable sobriquet of ‘Cannabis Green’.”
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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