Monday, 6 December 2010

Bonkers Boris Shitcans FIFA Freebie Hotel

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense has spit the dummy and withdrawn his offer to the 96-year old FIFA President, Septic Blabber - and his team of shifty scrounging executives - of a free stay in London's exclusive £1,000 quid per night Dorchester Hotel (hot & cold Thai chambermaids in every room) during the 2012 Olympics.

Following FIFA’s decision on Thursday's 2018 World Cup vote - which saw the England bid get a poxy two votes out of a possible 22 - and Russia’s manky Moscow Mafia chosen to host the tournament instead - Boris apparently told one reporter from the Backstabbers Gazette “What a bunch of dog-wanking oicks - fuck the lot of ‘em – they can camp out on Hyde Park or down the Old Kent Road and get pissed wet through – and mugged or buggered for all I care.”

Apparently England was the sound favourite to host the 2018 World Cup until the FA started gobbing off and prompted a media investigation into allegations of widespread corruption involving officials of world football's governing body FIFA to its International Olympics Committee ethics commission – which just happens to be staffed by the very people who stand accused of bribery and corruption – specifically Cameroonian, Mr Pissant Watchyapockets; Mr Nicolas Scumbaggio from Paraguay; and Mr Ricardo Wotdefuck from Brazil - all three of whom were tasked with casting votes to decide which nations would play host to the 2018 and 2022 World Cups in a ballot at FIFA headquarters in Cuckoo Clock Land last Thursday.

These latest scandalous developments follow the suspension of two other FIFA executive members in November -- Amos Chuckabutty of Nigeria and Tahiti's Reynauld Jaffacake -- after allegations by Britain’s Sunday Shitraker that both had – in keeping with the cultural norms of their corrupt Third World shithole societies - accepted cash bribes for their votes.

However, in the aftermath of the defeat, Mayor Nonsense, who travelled to Zurich to personally lobby FIFA’s executives, informed press hacks that the result was “Like a big kick in the bollocks. We put together a cracking bid, our technical specifications were top-notch and the stadiums would have been packed to the rafters. Now we’ll have to use them to house a bunch of homeless wankers when Cabbage Patch Dave and that twat Osbourne slash the housing benefits in January and no fucker or their dog can afford to pay London inner-city rents."

Well-placed sources claim that when Mayor Nonsense met with Septic Blabber in October, the FIFA boss made no secret of his ability to influence the vote on England’s bid – confiding in Bonkers Boris ‘What’s the point of having the power to decide the fate of a nation’s sporting future if you don’t wield it?’

Conversely, in his final address to FIFA delegates before Thursday’s vote, the podgy Blabber, who hails from the Swiss town of Viper, near the famous Twatterhorn, made specific and conspicuous references to the negative evils of the British media which have had the audacious cheek to expose FIFA's ingrained culture of corruption.

One senior government civil service source who spoke with the media on conditions of anonymity (Sir Irwin Bogbrush of the Foreign Office) revealed that five of FIFA’s executive committee members had personally assured Prince William and David Peckham they would vote for the England bid if the bribery and corruption investigation was dropped.

Apparently there are fresh fears that the Persian Gulf Emirate of Qatar, who won the bid to host the 2022 World Cup (12 years from now?) is a desert wasteland comprised of gritty khaki sand dunes and not entirely conducive to playing football matches – unless they import several zillion tons of topsoil – and turf.

Thought for the day: Who do you think influenced the ‘NO’ vote on England’s 2018 (or 2022) World Cup hosting bids – Septic Blabber’s evils of the British media speech inciting the Wrath of FIFA – or a Cameroonian voodoo curse cast on the enterprise by Pissant Watchyapockets?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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