Thursday, 2 December 2010

Cloned & GM Tucker Good for U

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Okay, forget all that bullshit the Bible states concerning ‘chimeras’ and ‘abominations’ et cetera, et al - the official scientific verdict is finally in: meat from cloned animals and their offspring is safe to consume. (We’re talking the whole shebang here: beef, pork, lamb / mutton, fowl and fish here)

That’s the gospel according to a cabal of parties of self-interest - specifically the Libservative coalition government’s ‘Advisory Committee on Novel Foods and Processes’ - that yesterday proclaimed it ‘believed’ (no mention of being ‘convinced’) the meat or milk or eggs of cloned animals was ‘unlikely’ to present any risk to human health.

The Food Standards Agency - yet another government department stuffed with anoraks and beardies with suspicious conflicts of interest – are set to discuss the conclusions in December before providing further dodgy advice to moronic ministers – but with questions raised by reports that meat from cloned animal offspring was sold to unsuspecting consumers remaining not only unanswered but conspiratorially ‘unaddressed’.

However, the committee's scientists – all of whom score a top-end 10+ rating on the international ‘Scumometer’ - claim there is no ‘substantial’ difference between meat and milk from cloned animals, or produce from conventional livestock, in line with a number of other very questionable scientific assessments.
(Does ‘no substantial difference’ translate that there is a difference but science doesn’t yet have an index or scale to provide a measurement of that most critical ‘difference’?)

According to the Food Standards Agency, Sir Genghis Plumprose’ canned luncheon meat company is still under investigation for selling unapproved processed foodstuffs from their genetically-modified hybrid cross between a pig and an elephant – now known as the ‘Spammoth’.

Conversely, the FSA’s chief scientist, Dr Irwin Fuctifino, stated for the public record "The Advisory Committee on Novel Foods and Processes reckons that meat and milk from cloned cattle shows no substantial difference to conventionally produced meat and milk, and therefore is unlikely to present a food safety risk to us here in Europe - as we intend to market it all first around the Third World dumps of Africa, Asia and South America to see what happens."

The word from whistleblowers inside the FSA, leaked to Ox-Rat, the international snitch n grassers social watchdog charity, claims that premier livestock cloning company Chimera SA, notorious for its suspect genetically-modified Mutant Meals and Frankenfoods range of agricultural produce, employs the services of the very scientists currently comprising the ranks of the Advisory Committee on Novel Foods and Processes as ‘consultants and lobbyists’ – hence corrupting the entire concept of impartiality.

The UK’s Soil Association director Chlamydia Mingerot, speaking to one reporter from the Mongrel Meats Gazette, was of this opinion.
“It’s all-right that shifty twat from the FSA, Irwin Fuctifino, telling every sod and their dog that cloning not only has no known negative impact on animal welfare but also has not produced any no long-term evidence for the impacts on animal – or human - health."

“Now that’s all bollocks – of course they don’t have any ‘long-term’ evidence as the practice of cloning is in it infant stages and the DNA mutations are yet to materialize in the stupid twats eating the shite.”
“Believe you me, we’ve all seen Marlon Brandysnap playing the looney geneticist quack in The Island of Dr Moreau. All these companies doing the cloning or producing genetically-modified organisms - Bovine Embryo Technologies, Mutant Cluck, Cyagra, Monsanto, Dupont, Dow Agro-Shite, Syngenta and Bayer – to name but a few – they’re strictly out for profit and don’t give a flying fuck if you end up with a colon blocked by dumpling-sized malignant tumours – or your kids turn out looking like Blinkie the fish.”

“Remember, these are the same breed of science shits and 'experts' who stated for the public record that thalidomide was okay for pregnant women. That mercury in vaccines poses no health risk to kids. That the MMR vaccine is in no way responsible for incidences of autism in children.”
“Then they reckon that if we don’t all check our carbon footprints immediately if not sooner then global warming will kick in and then we’re all gonna drown – or get eaten by marauding polar bears – or pecked to death by irate penguins suffering from heat stroke.”
“This is the self-same scientific community that ‘assessed’ the Himalayan glaciers will all be melted by 2012 if we don’t sell our cars and ride bikes. The same untrustworthy science types who infest the East Anglia Institute for Creative Climate Speculation and send dodgy e-mails to each other all day long about generating their next scare-mongering AGW scam.”
“So now, when they say cloned animal produce isn’t a threat to human health and won’t corrupt our DNA, we’re supposed to believe them?”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Thought for the day: GMO foods: Are they kosher? Are they halal? Or is the whole effing lot ‘haram’

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oy vey! can I get kosher cloned food already? Think how much cheaper it will be if I don't have to pay for it? Dancing already.