Wednesday, 15 December 2010

Split-Arsed Judge – Above de Law

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A UK judge, in the dock on charges of wrong-doing, who swore at the presiding Judge, and then stormed – with contempt aforethought - out of court in a fit of pique after being rightly convicted of failing to keep her pack of African hyenas under control, has been fined £2,500 quid plus legal costs.

The rabid canines, owned by Judge Feryl Beryl Harridan, who sits on the bench at Scroteborough Crown Court, attacked a student, Freddy McDork, 20, who was sunbathing in his parents' garden after a hard day protesting tuition fee hikes and kicking the shit out of a Rolls-Royce Phantom - when the salivating hellhounds rampaged through the hedge in pursuit of a neighbour’s cat and bit off his right leg – apparently mistaking it for one of their favourite ostrich drumstick snackies.

The menopausal Judge Harridan, 57, sporting a Croydon facelift hair-do and a pair of manhole cover ear-rings, was cautioned during the trial to stop chewing gum like some common girlie gang yobette slapper, then had the blatant audacity to deny the prosecution’s charge of breaches of the Dangerous Dogs Act – claiming the Plaintiff had either chopped or bitten his own leg off just to ‘create a ‘poor me’ personal injury claim scenario and cause trouble.

When a ‘Guilty as Charged’ verdict was returned by the twelve good men (and women) of Scroteborough comprising the jury, Harridan strode out of the Scallyford Magistrates Court in disgust, cursing and swearing alike a trooper – declaring to all and sundry that the judgement was a ‘travesty of justice’ and "I'll never set foot in this effin’ courtroom again!”

Outside court, Harridan declared to a gaggle of amused journalists - who know her as ‘Black Cap Beryl’ - that she was absolutely devastated by the conviction against herself and the pet hyenas and would appeal against it – claiming that Cerebus - the leader of the hyena pack - was registered with the Kennel Club, and was now, since reportedly gnawing off Freddie’s leg, muzzled 24/7 and receiving specialist obedience training from a lion tamer at the Canine Asbo Centre.

Putting on the agony and a splendid display of Oscar-winning histrionics, Harridan announced to anyone interested enough to listen "I have always sought to do what was right in relation to my scumbag neighbours – regardless of the fact they’re a set of contrary bastards who hate my puppies.”

“Since Cerebus was supposed to have bitten off young Freddie’s leg, my Galloping Tourettes has grown worse and I’ve been suffering acute paranoia and panic attacks, so anything I did say in court – such as calling Judge Bogbrush a bag of shit was a result of the emotional pressures of being a defendant in court – where I’m supposed to be in fucking charge!”

District Judge Sir Irwin Bogbrush, sitting, had informed the court "We take the view that this is a case which does justify a substantial financial penalty and the animals involved euthanised – or transferred to a secure zoo complex – or preferably deported back the wilds of Africa – and Mrs Harridan to have her name entered into the Dangerous Dog Offenders register and be banned from keeping any more ‘baby biters’ or other domestic pets larger than a hamster for 10 years.”
"Freddie McDork was not only put in fear for his life and suffered the acute social embarrassment of defecating in his shorts, but actually had his entire leg bitten off at the knee by the ravaging hyena leading the pack in question."

During the trial, the court heard the student's parents, Ron and Doris McDork, had labelled their next door neighbour ‘Feryl Beryl the Bitch’ - and her partner Genghis McTwatt - as a pair of “scumbags from Hell – with their pack of Hellhounds" – specifically six Greater Spotted Hyenas.

They described living "in terror" of the hyenas and kept a ‘horror log’ of incidents when the hyenas kept them awake all night due their barking and laughing following one of the Harridan’s frequent summer evening barbeques, when gnawed antelope and zebra ribs and emu bones were tossed over their hedge into the McDork’s garden – along with empty bottles of Chateau le Crapp vino.

Following the hearing, Sir Irwin Bogbrush informed one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that he would be filing official, detailed complaints against Judge Harridan - of judicial misconduct under the Contempt of Court Act 1981 - with the Disciplinary Tribunal of the Inns of Court.
“Seriously, I do not relish being referred to as a “shit-for-brains old prick” by a fellow legal beagle – especially so a judge - when it is she that is in the dock as the defendant. This time that inflated ego has definitely surpassed her diminished intellect. Hopefully the shrewish harpy is tossed out on her fat arse at long last – or sentenced to six months wearing a Scold’s Bridal.”

Ms Fellattia Titwank, a spokeswoman for the Judicial Office for England and Wales, announced to the media that the Lord Chief Justice and the Lord Chancellor would be considering Harridan’s continued position as a judge.

Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Judge Harridan’s unqualified arrogance – nor her psychosis or sociopathic condition. However it was unanimously agreed by a conclave of court hacks from the gutter press red top tabloids, during a meeting in the Pikey's Bar at the Swan Roasters Arms following the trial, that the word CUNT comes pretty close. A cunt in cunt’s clothing, to be precise.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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