Wednesday, 8 December 2010

McSkank Crashes Global Banking System

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Mrs Hilda McSkank, a 96-year old pensioner and former cormorant strangler, of Chapter Eleven Terraces in Smegmadale, today brought the entire global banking system crashing down when she withdrew her Christmas savings of £135 quid from the UK-based Smegmadale-on-Sea branch of Scamtander – the mammoth Spanish banking conglomerate.

Scamtander branch manager Guido Corruptioni, told one reporter from the Usury Gazette “I mean, this old baggage just walks straight past the vandalised ATM machine and strolls up to the teller’s window with her Zimmer frame, all nonchalant like, hands her account passbook over and announces “I wanna withdraw £135 nicker in cash!”

“I mean, what are we supposed to do? Banks don’t carry that sort of ready cash since the system collapsed and went tits up a couple of years ago – it’s all electronic transactions now – credit and debit cards generating more debt. Anyway, I explained to her that we didn’t have that amount of cash in the vault and then she takes her dentures out and starts spitting and screaming that we’re a bunch of robbing bastards and how she wants her Christmas savings – in cash – and no poxy cheques or vouchers.”

“I called up our CEO Senor Scumarotti at the head office in Cantabria and explained the dilemma – he got straight on to the IMF in Washington for a bail-out - so they shit kittens and rang up Baron Ja’akoff Rothshite in London. Luckily he got hold of the boss of De la Rue in Money Launderer’s Lane and they ran off a bunch of crisp new fivers for us, then had the £135 quid couriered across here double-quick by a Bank of England dispatch rider on one of Mayor Johnson’s new bendy bikes.”

“Unfortunately, by this time - thanks to Granny ‘Big Gob’ McSkank - the word was on the streets that Scamtander had no cash reserves and that started a run of Biblical proportions – with Baron Rothshite ordering De la Rue into overtime mode to print a few zillion quid’s-worth of quantitative easing £10’s and £20’s.”

Interviewed later that evening by Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr on the BBC’s ‘Insolvency Now’ programme, Mrs McSkank revealed “I saw that sexy French bloke wiv the pussy tickler growin’ on ‘is chin – ‘im wot used ter play fer Man’ United - on the effin’ telly last week - Eric Cantona - an’ ‘e sez ‘Bollocks ter the New World Order’ and all that shit an’ ‘ow we ‘ave ter work together ter bring down the EUSSR and end fractional reserve bankin’ – an’ all draw our money out of the bank on December 7th – so that’s wot I went an’ did.”

“Believe me, it wasn’t any fun either – I ‘ad ter wait fer two effin’ ‘ours in the freezin’ cold while they ‘ad a whip-round ter club a poxy £135 quid together. We never ‘ad problems like this when Lloyd George woz Prime Minister.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Oh, and by the way, fuck fractional reserve banking and ‘typical 100% APR usury’ – and the Rothshite crime syndicate – and their New World Order.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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