Wednesday, 29 December 2010

God: A Deity Full of Surprises

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following Pope Benny’s Christmas message, that “God is more full of surprises than a jack-in-the-box”, the BBC has received thousands of responses- of both a negative and positive nature - from a wide cross section of British society – those of the ‘left-footer’ persuasion of the Christian faith and also a legion of ‘can’t-make-me-effin’-mind-up’ agnostics - and die-hard atheists - plus raving heathen pagans and blood-sacrifice Satanists.

Pope Benedict, the German ‘Ubermensch’ built-to-last Mk XVI papal model, broadcast his Christmas message to the British people as the ‘Thought for the Day’ subject on Radio 4's ‘Bullshit Hour’ on Xmas Eve.
In his message he recalled his recent 2010 UK visit with "great fondness” – especially the get-together with all his dear Freemasonry brothers in Edinburgh, who had travelled so far south especially for the occasion - from Scotland’s crime and kiddie fiddling capital of Scaberdeen.

However, going totally against the precepts of established science, logic and common sense, Pope Benny preached that God answers the prayers of the faithful and always keeps his promises - but is inclined to surprises us by how he fulfils them – much as the Devil does when bargaining for the souls of mortals – such as banksters and politicians.

Atheist author and religious iconoclast Richard Squawkins wrote in the Daily Shitraker that he thought the Pope’s address was a "pile of crap" and that the message avoided castigating the Jews who were behind the crucifixion of God’s only son, Jesus – and totally missed out on the chance to give the Israelis shit over their treatment of the Palestinians.

“Pope Benny should have seized the opportunity to highlight the crimes against humanity carried out by the rogue Israeli regime - with a reference to little six-year-old Mohammed ibn Himar in the Gaza Strip waiting for his Christmas surprise from God on the 24th December when along come the IDF’s Renta-Thug Brigade, who bulldoze his home with a D8, rape his sisters and mother – then kill his entire family – and snatch young Mo’ for throwing bricks at them.”
“Next thing, Mo’s been carted off to their heinous Facility 1391 extraordinary rendition and re-education centre – where he’s gassed with carbon monoxide then ends up as a reluctant organ donor and gets gutted for his heart, liver and kidneys etcetera – all stolen to supply the Israeli’s international black market in transplant organs.”

“Hmmm, some Merry Christmas surprise that was for little Mohammed. In my humble opinion, the best surprise God could provide for a somewhat skeptical mankind in this fiscally-restricted festive season is manifest His Omnipotent Self in the middle of one of these Greedy Grocer supermarket chains – Pestco, for instance and turn it into a Pound Stretcher store – with a big sign proclaiming ‘Every Little Helps’.”

On a lighter and more positive note, Luton-based Ms Fellatia van der Gamm texed Radio 4’s ‘Bullshit Hour’ with the comment “Pope Benny is so right about God surprising us. I was terrified of giving my boyfriend a suck n swallow blowjob as I thought I’d actually choke on his wad - until I tried it and ‘wow’ – it tastes just like Greek yoghourt.”

Frank McSpliff of Scroteborough e-mailed to agree with the Pontiff’s opinion “I woz dead against getting’ inter anythin’ stronger than a bit of herb smokin’ cos I reckoned yer couldn’t get a better rush - until me mate egged me on ter have a go at some of his crack coke – what an effin’ surprise – it woz great – but a bit addictive though.”

Ms Candida Mingerot, an 18-year old Slagford University student studying for a PhD in Slapperology, posted this tweet on Radio 4’s Twitter board: “The Pope might just be right about God and his surprises. Last summer, a couple of girlie friends and I had been partying pretty hard after our finals and sleeping around – the unsafe sex type too, when we were bottled.”

“Come September, both of them tested positive for HIV – and they’d contracted it off the same guy – and I’d shagged him as well. OMG! I was really shitting myself when I went for the AIDS test thingy - but what a surprise when the doctor told me I’d only contracted gonorrhea and herpes simplex and was HIV negative. Now that’s what saying your prayers does for you.”

Bazzer McScally e-mailed Radio 4 with this little gem: “Too right wot the Pope sez – God’s full of surprises. We did Aleef’s Paki 7/11 Stop n Rob on Christmas Eve wiv a pick axe handle an’ a crowbar - just ter grab a couple of bottles of booze an’ some ciggies an’ this numpty twat at the cash register opens it up an’ pours the bleedin’ lot inter a bag an’ hands it over like – so we eff’s off real sharpish an’ counts it out in the bus shelter over a smoke an’ a bottle of Shite Lightning an’ there’s nigh on £300 quid in it. No shit that woz a bit of a Merry Christmas surprise from God – and Aleef.”

Rupert Ponceford-Smythe, a Middlesex-based cross-dressing Whitehall civil servant, texed to say “Oh yes, God is so full of surprises. I recall I was terrified of going to Eton and having to play the beast with two backs – and getting bummed by the prefects. That was until I tried it – what joy – so much more satisfying than standing naked in a nettle patch with a half brick hanging from your scrotum while you jack off with one hand and beat your meat with a stick of rhubarb in the other.”

Conversely, Mrs Hilda Gronk of Pondscum Terrace in Smegmadale, had this to say via e-mail concerning Pope Benny’s Xmas message.
“Oh yeah, isn’t God really full of effin’ surprises – how He moves in mysterious bleedin’ ways. Here you have these two German kids, Joey and Georgie Ratflinger, both members of Hitler’s Youth Corps, an’ cos Joey’s got a few mates in the Bormann-Vatican Ratlines organisation he eventually gets the job of Prefect of the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith – wot used ter be the Office of the Inquisition – then gets his dodgy Kraut arse elected as Pope.”

“Meanwhile his other pervy paedo’ elder brother Georgie takes Holy Orders and cops for a nice cosy vacancy as a Monsignor and conductor of the Regensburg choir at the St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Catamites. Not bad goin’ fer a pair of twats that started out life as junior Nazi war criminals.”

Did you tune in to Pope Benny’s Christmas message? Do you think God’s full of surprises – or is Pope Benny more full of shit than a Christmas goose? Do you trust a God who’s ‘jealous’ all through the Old Testament, then ‘kind and loving’ in the New Testament? Do you think God’s actually schizophrenic?

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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