Thursday, 16 December 2010

Snowed-In Public to Clear Own Roads

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

As yet a second severe bout of global warming phenomenon stands poised to blight the UK, with bollocks-deep snow covering the hills and dales – and every single highway – one bright spark member of the Libservative coalition cabinet has come up with a novel money-saving scheme to get around local authority budget cuts – specifically that the public should be tasked to clear and grit icy side roads and pavements not treated by their council’s highways department.

This gem is the brainchild of Conservative Transport Secretary, Phillip ‘Teaspoons’ Scammond, who exclaimed ‘Eureka!’ after experiencing a brief epiphany of enlightenment – not quite on the road to Damascus, but while skulling back pints of Old Headbanger lager in the Pikey Bar of the Swan Roasters Arm pub in Whitehall the other evening.

Scammond, the incumbent Tory MP for Runnynose and Snotbridge, is well known to friends and Parliamentary associates in and around the House of Conmans as a greedy, penny-pinching scumbag with the personality of a gay proctologist.

A graduate of University College, Poxford, where he earned a first in Advanced Tax Dodges, Scammond received lashings of criticism in 2009 when the Scandalmongers Gazette revealed that he claimed just £8 quid short of the maximum allowance for a second home in London from 2007 to 2008 on his Parliamentary expenses – even though the dodgy twat lived in the nearby commuter belt borough of Wankford – within walking distance of Westminster.

When his ‘creative accounting’ personal claims were revealed on the internet during the House of Conmans expenses scandal, it emerged that Scammond was in the habit of blowing thousands of pounds of taxpayers' money annually on newspapers and ‘manga’ comics, and once spent £24 nicker from the public purse on eight teaspoons – which he could have easily pilfered from the Parliamentary canteen like other kleptomaniac MP’s short on kitchen cutlery.

Scammond gained further notoriety for “not giving a flying fuck about the downtrodden local motorist” when he refused to support opposition to an exorbitant rise in car parking charges at Snotbridge railway station last year – in his own constituency.

To add further insult to public injury, and following suit with moronic suggestions, Heather Slutt, the Northamptonshire County Council’s jobsworth responsible for transport and highways, has announced that residents should clean road signs to help save the cash-strapped local authority tens of zillions of pounds.

Ms Slutt, speaking on BBC Radio Numpty, came across as being as funny as a course of chemotherapy or haemorrhoid surgery when she declared for the public record (and mirth of millions) "Is it too much to ask for these lazy sods to get off their couch spud fat arses and go out with a bucket and sponge in their hands and wash down the shite-plastered street and road traffic signs in their vicinity?"

Conversely, both parties responsible for these idiotic statements have come under fire from Twat-Watch, the public services abuse sentinel, with director Bazzer McScrote informing one reporter from the Daily Shitraker “Oh yeah, Mr Scammond’s idea’s great isn’t it – so wot der fuck are we supposed ter do, I ask yer - dig our own salt mines?”
“Same as this brainless bimbo wiv Northamptonshire’s CC – wot are we expected ter do there - get outa yer truck on the M1 and give a shitty sign a quick spit an’ polish? Hello, what der fuck are these knobheads thinking?”

Thought for the day: While we can’t cure stupid, we can vote it out of office at the next election.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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