Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Libservatives Top UK Hate Parade

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The disastrous incumbent British government, currently ‘labouring’ (sic) under the moniker of the ‘Libservative Coalition’, upped their ratings on the UK’s Political Scumometer - and too the National Hate Index - this afternoon when the Falstaffian Communities Secretary Eric ‘the Blob’ Prickles announced to a gobsmacked House of Conmans that the average decrease for 2011/12 regarding local authority budget cuts in central funding would be a mere 4.4%, with no council losing more than 8.9% - unless they really deserved it.

This apparently now puts the local authorities of England and Wales on a par with that of Mali’s shithole city of Timbuktu in Saharan Africa – whose 2010 annual local works budget was set at 4.4% of the nation’s GNP (rock salt, camel hump jerky, slaves and lepers) – specifically £14:37 pence.

Prickles, a lard-arsed Yorkshire pudding and former Batley-based amateur Sumo wrestler - who delights in repeating the anecdote that he was the original model for the Michelin Man - was, fittingly enough, the Tory’s Shadow Minister for Easter Eggs before his promotion last May.
Once a staunch Labour Party member with radical Communist leanings and known by the nom de guerre of Eric the Red (actually Eric the Fat) until 1968 - when Cuba invaded Mozambique and he deserted socialism for the Tory back benches as MP for Fatwood – becoming the Conservative’s heavyweight answer to Labour’s ‘vulgarian-in-residence: John ‘Two Shags’ Prescott.

Prickles, a widower since his long-suffering concave spouse, Glenda, was unfortunately crushed to death while assuming the missionary position during an impromptu rampant sex session on the kitchen table last year - promised councils a new democratic settlement, with more rights devolved to local authorities being set out in the dystopian ‘Localism Bill’.

The bill’s measures are expected to include providing local people with the power to approve or veto "excessive" council tax rises – plus give public organisations the legal right to name community assets like canals, shops, pubs, libraries, police stations, prisons and fire brigades on a council’s "most wanted list" – and if they’re up for sale then the public can formulate and schedule a business plan and raise the funds required to bid for the property items from the petrodollar rich Kuwaiti or Al Qatar overseas investment funds – or as a last resort, the back street Cash Converters loan sharks.

Communities will be empowered and tasked to question how services - such as refugee deportation centres, US military bases and sewerage farms are being run and potentially take them over – giving the public more power to overrule Metropolitan Borough planning decisions to build new sink-or-swim housing estates on geological flood plains, draw moronic toll road highway routes straddling a map of our pristine countryside then go and fill them in with asphalt - or chop down thousands of acres of our sacred forests so one of the Greedy Grocer supermarket chains such as Pestco, Pukesburys, or Mammon and Snobfords can built another of their ubiquitous supermarkets that force our iconic High Street businesses – the Butcher, the Baker and Candlestick Maker (et al ad infinatum) - to seek Chapter 11 protection and close up shop.

Hmmm, the Greedy Grocer chains - where you can’t even buy a competitive diversity of produce as they slowly – but surely – shift from other premium and established quality household name rival brands to “Pestco’s Own”. Sorry, but ‘every little helps’ doesn’t help at all – in fact it’s contrary to healthy business competition and should be subjected to oversight and stricture by the Monopolies Commission – if the lobbies of self-interest that infest and corrupt these regulatory institutions were ever rooted out.

Conversely, one good point to come out of the Localism Bill is the fact that henceforth vital funding will be allotted and spent on protecting essential services and not wasted on needless bureaucracy.
Its implementation will reduce local government spending by 15% in real terms – with an estimated 140,000 council hangers-on being laterally promoted to their local Jobcentre – which equates with more than half of Liverpool City Council's senior Scouse scivers and other assorted moronic jobsworth scallies and scrotes in the Graft & Corruption Department getting the elbow.

However, Liverpool City Council leader, ultra-Trotskyist Joe McThugg, told one reporter from the Daily Shitraker “Mr Humpty effin’ Prickles wants ter watch his step if he’s intendin’ on cutting my salary from £203,500 to a mere pauper’s income of £197,500 per bloody annum – wiv no bleedin’ mention of me yearly performance bonus either.”
“It’s gonna be us top council executive types joinin’ ranks wiv the effin’ students in protests demo’s an’ marches next week – just you wait an’ see.”

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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