Saturday, 18 December 2010

Disgrace Mugabe Accused of ‘Mining’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The 69-year old Disgrace Rhubarbie, wife of incumbent King of the basket-case Third World shithole now known as the People’s Marxist Utopia of Zimbabwe, is set to sue the living daylights out of everyone and their dog who dares get anywhere near the truth and call her a lying, thieving criminal scumbag.

The gospel according to this week’s Kleptomaniacs Gazette and crime columnist Cletus Chuckabutty, claims that Disgrace’s favourite pastime, picked up from her big buddy and contemporary 'shopaholic' acquisitions maniac Imelda Marcos, ex-First Lady of the Republic of the Philistines - is ‘Mining’.
This involves Disgrace driving around the countryside with her ‘Veterans Brigade’ army escort and pointing to whatever takes her fancy – a stylish ranch or farm or a stable of horses – and declaring “Dat’s Mine!” or “Dis is Mine!”

Now Disgrace is suing the Kleptomaniacs Gazette for £10 zillion quid over its reporting of claims released by WickedLeaks that she has personally made tremendous profits from the country's diamond mines. The Sweaty Kaffir fields in eastern Zimbabwe were reputed to be among the world's richest until Greedy Gracie got her sticky little black paws into them – dividing the spoils up with Shona army commanders and political allies of her geriatric husband King Robert de First

However, this little tidbit is nothing compared to some of the crimes Disgrace stands accused of – physical assaults, land-grabbing and extortion – plus a veritable index of capital punishment crimes including murders, witchcraft and the Satanic blood sacrifices of Matabele babies.

Also on the ‘capital crimes’ list in Mugabe’s homophobic dystopian realm are the rampant acts of lesbianism that took place during a clandestine conclave of the Senior Sisters of St Sappho of the Sacred Strapon Church at the exclusive Mingeeter Club in Harare – where a score of vestal virgins were subjected to a ritual of enforced 69 rugmunching prior to being deflowered by Disgrace herself with a pelvic harness-mounted diamond-studded rhino horn dildo - personally crafted by De Beers & Godemiche of Paris.

So, the perverted antics of mingin' tropical butch dykes aside, how do WickedLeaks damning revelations claim Disgrace shifts her blood-stained conflict diamonds around? Easy peasy, apparently - when you’re wed to the Head of State of a sovereign country which issues passports and provides diplomatic immunity – and civil indemnity to steal whatever, and snuff out any fucker who upsets you.

To add further weight to the burden of proof, Disgrace and her incontinent dog wanker of a hubby have their own diamond merchants in Hong Kong with the ‘products’ getting shipped around - in and out for sale in Europe - via her diplomatic bag.

Coincidentally enough, the Mugabe’s slapper of a spoiled brat daughter, the 20-year old Bono is in Hong Kong under an assumed name – Ms Winnebago Brillopad - and studying at the University of Kowloon for a major in Hedonistic Waste and a secondary degree in Ostentatious Squandering.
Uni' of Kowloon Student’s Union spokesman Flip Flop Fong told the media “Bono’s pretty easy to pick out – like her namesake Paddy prick singer with U2 - she’s the only darkie with Scotchbrite pussy hair, suck and swallow lips and ‘go to bed’ eyes – all the rest of the girls here are custard yellow with ‘can’t see fuck all’ slanted eyes.”

The rapacious Disgrace, alike her husband – is renowned for vile temper tantrums - and in her case – tyrannical outbursts of ‘menopausal madness’ – during which she has been known to kick, bite, claw and pummel offensive news hacks from the foreign press to a bloody pulp with her diamond-encrusted knuckle dusters. Alas, this is the way of despots – and pisspots – the type of shits that will do anything to get into power – and commit every sin in the book – plus a few that aren’t - to keep it – such as murdering the wife of political opposition rival Morgan Tsvangirai.

The WickedLeaks release named Disrace Mugabe and Central Bank governor Gideon Gonads, among the principal offenders – plus a host of other officials from the Zimbabwe military and King Robert's Zanu-Disaster Party as those responsible for the conflict diamond smuggling trade.

Mrs Mugabe, wearing a pair of 20 carat diamond earrings – one blue and one pink – cut in the image of Wenlock and Mandeville, the official Cyclopian mascots of the London 2012 Olympic Games, filed her libel case against Cletus Chuckabutty, the Kleptomaniacs Gazette and WickedLeaks at the Harare High Court this morning, accompanied by her lawyer, Yodcocca Tadpole, who called the reports “Scandalous and malicious – even if dey is true. De imputation of such conduct on a person of such high standin’, de mother of de nation, is to lower de respect wid which is to be attributed to all VIP’s like de First Lady.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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