Thursday, 30 December 2010

One Million UK Kids Denied PC Access

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a report just released by the Smegmadale-on-Sea based ‘E-Learning Foundation’ claims more than a million school children in the UK still lack access to a computer at home – with a further two million kids unable to go online at to enjoy a quick ‘tweet’ or view the odd bit of porno’ due the fact their unemployed parents can no longer afford a broadband connection – or have been evicted for mortgage arrears and no longer have a ‘home’.

Ms Chlamydia Blabberwocky, communications secretary of E-Learning, spoke to one reporter from the Hard Luck Gazette, declaring “With this absurd Libservative coalition government and the pathetic zillionaire Chancellor George Oddball purposely out to decimate the British middle class and drive the working – and unemployed – classes into total penury with his dystopian budget cuts across the social welfare benefits spectrum, then the only children likely to have computer and internet access at home will belong to the upper echelon survivors of our shattered economy – the over-paid bungling bureaucrats and top rank Parliamentary politico’s themselves.”

Conversely, Bev Titwank, the director of Ox-Rat, the Rockall-based international snitch and grassers social watchdog charity, was quick to pour criticism atop Ms Blabberwocky’s outpourings of woe.
“What a bunch of crap this woman’s talking if you take the ‘big picture’ view. So, Posh Dave Scameron’s coalition government doesn’t give a flying fuck about the further education of the working classes or their oick kids – which is their entire Common Purpose / New World Order philosophy anyway – keep the peasants as thick as two short planks – and watching the telly.”

“The thing that gets me is E-Learning’s squirly focus on the UK’s poorer families having kids that are marginalized and disadvantaged - and not taking into consideration or account the global education problems.”
“Just look at Somalia – while the pirates based out of Ely and the Puntland coast might well be equipped with the all the latest electronics gear that a king’s ransom can buy, children in the capital of Mogadishu don’t even know what the word ‘school’ means – and kiddies stuck in the shithole interior of the Third World dump, around Mina al Bunghole, have never even seen a pencil, let alone a broadband-connected laptop – and what good would it do them anyway when the closest electrical power outlet is 600 effing miles away – along with the only functioning flush toilet in the country.”

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the Libservative coalition and their social welfare budget cuts.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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