Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
The Crown Prosecution Service today informed hacks from the gutter press that Eddie McNumpty, the Essex farmer who ‘accidentally’ shot and wounded two burglars raiding a cannabis factory on his land that he didn’t know existed, is to have all charges filed against him dropped forthwith.
The gospel according to the official police report claims that Farmer McNumpty, 96, was woken by a disturbance among his flock of geese in the early hours of the 19th August at the Dorks Hill 650-acre arable farm in Billericay, and went out on his mobility scooter to investigate the cause of the racket.
Armed with a pump action 12 bore shotgun, McNumpty discharged the weapon three times, allegedly aiming at a pair of foxes attempting to steal geese.
However, he actually hit two scallies trying to break into an outhouse McNumpty had rented out to supposed herbalism students Bob Bifta and Sammy Spliff, which – unbeknown to him – housed a secret cannabis-growing facility.
The two scrotes, later identified as Ronnie Foxx and Reynard Vixen, legged it double-quick after sustaining superficial gunshot pellet wounds and sought treatment at a local hospital – where doctors contacted police due the nature of their injuries.
Several hours later a team of police marksmen, supported by army tanks and an Apache helicopter gunship raided the Dorks Hill Farm and arrested McNumpty on suspicion of attempted murder.
McNumpty, who suffers multiple sclerosis, neuralgia and galloping myopia, told police investigators "It were pitch black out there an’ I sees these two foxes wiv a crowbar tryin’ ter break inter the goose pen so I let fly wiv three shots an’ then one fox shouted ‘Ouch, that fuckin’ hurt!’ – an’ then they buggered off real sharpish like. I’m bloody certain one of ‘em was that Basil Brush.”
Sgt. Jack Thugg, an Essex Police spokesman, informed the media that the entire episode was more at a total pile of bullshit than a slight fabrication of the truth, but nevertheless the two injured men were released without charge.
Farmer McNumpty has since had his firearms licence revoked due the fact he presents a clear and present danger to the public – and himself.
Do you live in Essex? Is there a covert cannabis factory in your back garden? Does bullshit make good organic compost? Are you a fox hunting advocate? Did Basil Brush pass a Vetting & Barring test? Has Farmer McNumpty cooked his own goose?
Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a two week ‘cell share’ vacation in the sex offenders wing of Strangeways Prison.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy and / or squirrel shit.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.
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